Charity starts with a cough.

My body is a temple. Unfortunately for me, it is the temple of doom.

Indiana Jones wouldn’t be able to sort this mess out! I don’t have anything resembling a 6 pack. I have a small(ish) brewery for a stomach.

Before my wife got pregnant, I had been known to have a drink a couple of times a week. By a couple, I mean every night. So every night I would have a few drinks. By a few I mean a lot. The obvious side effect of the quantity of beer/wine/whisky/brandy/paint stripper and engine oil being consumed is the amount of weight put on.

Of course, the food side of things also helped this matter a little, but alcoholic drinks were always the winner.

Now, with the advent of the fruit of my loins being on the way, I have given up the juice.

From seeing the odd episode of that TV show where that annoying idiot looks at peoples crap and then lectures them on not chewing food properly (no one tells her she needs plastic surgery to make her look like a real human, so what right does she have to call people fat?) and telling them to give up drinking, therefore making them lose weight, I figured that the same rules should apply to me.

So the juice has stopped for about 9 weeks now and we don’t really have a proper dinner per say anymore as my dearest has been a little off the food with the pregnancy and lives on strawberry nesquik milkshakes.

A quick jump on the scales and it tells me I have put on 4lbs (or about 2KG’s if you are of the American inclined). Maybe it was that horse sized turkey I ate over Christmas? How do you put ON weight when you stop eating and drinking as much? The scales lie. And they are in cahoots with my clothes who are sucking it in when I put them on thus making them tighter on me.

So what to do! There are a couple of things.

1 is to get back down the gym, which seems like a lot of hard work. Another is to turn vegan and eat everything I hate and nothing else. mmmm…lentils for dinner again?! What did I do to deserve such luxury! So no. Never going to happen.

The answer to this little conundrum?

The Norovirus.

According to the news, this naughty little virus is causing a whole manor of trouble here. It is like a 4 day crash diet (and a great reason to not go to work after Christmas!). Honk your guts up and clear out your bowels and not eat a thing for a few days. By then, I will be so empty and not wanting food that I will automatically cut down on the amount of food I do actually eat. I have just one down side to this. With over 1 million people currently doing the toilet jig
through having it…I haven’t seen a single person with it. If anyone knows someone with it, please get them to cough in my general direction.
Think of it as doing a needy fat bloke a favour!