Oh. Hello.

Been a while. A very long while. Quite a while.

Some may say while a while. Those ones are stupid.

Am I bringing this site back? Dunno. But I do have a new one.

A while ago I decided to gain loads of weight. Get ill. Nearly die of sepsis. Get type 2.5 diabetes.

2.5? Yes. It is regular type 2, but I am also handsome so they added an extra .5.

Anyway, I have to lose weight. And so am heading into Total Meal Replacement fun. Real food? Nope. Shakes and soups? Yes.

Will I be grumpy? Oh god yes.

Wanna see my downfall? https://funwithtype2diabetes.com/

I like Australia. I like the idea that every insect, plant, human and building are trying to kill you. And they have a sort of somewhat “anything goes” attitude to many things.

So when you hire two man to break in to your house with machetes and tie you up and rub you with a broom….of COURSE that makes sense.

Go on…have a read. I can wait. https://news.sky.com/story/pair-hired-for-mans-broom-sexual-fantasy-turn-up-in-bedroom-at-wrong-address-with-machetes-11996365

Are you back? Weird wasn’t it. They broke in to the wrong home and woke up somebody very much NOT expecting it. Apologised and left. And THAT is Australia. Where you can break in to somebodys home, say “Sorry mate…” and leave.

But you know this post doesnt end there.

I am not what you would call vanilla in the bedroom. Oh no. I am more Horse Flesh flavoured. I dont want men with machetes. How weak is that! Give me women dressed in cow onesies holding expensive shampoo wake me up and demand I service their every need. Women demanding I take them to Switzerland. Or to help with the washing up. Or even if I am feeling really depraved, to take the trash out in nothing but a three piece suit…with pocket watch.

And I never want to go back to the time where my girlfriend at the time was so quiet in bed that I was trying to work out if I was that bad…or she was actually dead. Nope it was neither. She “didnt want to wake up the neighbours”.

We were in a detached house. I was single a short while later.

As 2020 continues to get weirder by the minute, I am beginning to wonder if the film Idiocracy was actually a set of instructions to live by because damn… Or maybe a warning from the future, filmed in the past to show us our impending doom. But then, we get that with climate issues and the answer is “ah it will fix itself” as people buy 2000 packs of toilet roll in case Covid-19 gives them the shits or something.

And then Kanye West said “Hold my cosmopolitan and baby wipes” and decides that he should run for president. This is a guy who named his kid Psalm. Not for some spiritual reason, but because he is an utter dipshit. Like full on dumb levels of incompetence. And he wants to be president. The guy couldnt pass as a block of cheese. And while I agree this is a matter of taste…his music is pointlessly bad.

But you know…none of that compares to the pain in the world I have felt in the last few days.

It all started with an honest comment to my 5 year old. It was a rainy Saturday. We werent going outside and I had found my old Nintendo Wii so I said “Oi…numpty bum…fancy playing Mario Kart?”.

“WOAH! YEAH! VIDEO GAMES!” was his reply. Calm down son…calm down. I am gonna offer you a bacon sandwich later, so dont over peak with the excitement just yet…I dont want the reason for your death to be “Offered interesting sandwich after playing Mario Kart which caused heart failure” to be written on the hospital paperwork.

He had never played before. So we played. He came a respectable 12th in all the games for the first hour we played. OK so there are only 12 places, but that is beside the point. I, dear reader, smashed it out the park every game. #winner was a permanent fixture in my eyes.

And then he wanted to change character between every race. And change kart. And then I noticed the little git was starting to say “You choose your kart first”. He would watch. And then pick his own. Never the same kart. And then he would choose the map we race on. And about 30 minutes later, he went from a respectable 12th to a little higher and hit 4th. I was still being super awesome the whole time. Obvs.

It was a while later I realised that little Mr Smarty Pants was now checking what kart I used, then picked one he knew would work best on the map he was about to pick.

And then it happened. I was screaming along in first place. He suddenly piped up “See ya SUCKER!” and went flying past me.

I got played by a 5 year old. Who then went on to win loads of races using the same method.

He was getting a little over excited so I decided to put a stop to the racing because I was feeing emasculated. So I thought “Ah screw it…lets up the excitement.” “Hey…you race and I will make you a bacon sandwich if you want?”

“No thanks, I like beating you on here. We can eat later.”

I love him. And hate him.

3 months ago, like much of the world, I picked up my comfy desk chair and laptop and decided I would not see anybody else for a few months. On paper this sounds like a great idea. And being a massive introvert, not seeing people is freakin AWESOME. Like many people I replaced my morning commute of “wake up. Snooze. Snooze. One more time. OK fine, one more. Ah shit…I am SO late. Rush morning ritual. Get in car. get to work.” with “Wake up. Snooze. Snooze. Snooze. Snooze. Realise I dont drive to work now. Change my alarm to a later time. Snooze. Get up, walk 10 metres. Realise laptop was on all night. Start work.”

It worked well. Until I realised actually I kinda miss interaction. So I decided to make new friends. They were Kit Kats. Mint Club bars. Multi packs of crisps. And to keep them close to me, I would eat them all and then go buy members of their family and bring them to my stomach too. It was great. So then I started on sausage rolls. And Cornish pasties. I had a happy community in me. I would sit working while adding more and more people to my new found friendships.

But this is 2020 and that means for the positive, something weird had to happen. Shortly after I started making new friends, the washing machine shrunk literally all my clothes. Hell, some hadnt even been in there for weeks and they also shrunk. Like, how messed up can this year get?? The washing machine has become self aware, thinks I am ignoring it in favour of my new friends and is now trying to piss me off.

But you know, I am a forgiving guy who understands that people (and appliances) get lonely. So I sat down with it and said “Look…I am going to stop making new friends. Just me and you OK? But also, I am going to start going out for a long walk twice a day to get away from work. It isn’t anything to do with you, I still want to be your friend, it is just really nice outside and I fancy going for some long walks in the sun.”

The washing machine ignored me. Some washing machines are like that.

But for a couple of weeks I committed to my new plan. I went outside more. I didn’t make any new friends at all. The washing machine didnt make my clothes any smaller. A happy medium had been met.

Then I went shopping and bought some apples. Some normal green apples. I never mentioned them being friends. I never said they are nor they will be. The complete arse is now making my clothes BIGGER.

2020 is a friggin mess.

Ah yeah. Hi.

Erm. This is awkward. Remember me? I am still alive. Or at least on the seventh reanimation. Things get worse every time they reanimate. I have the WORST itch which I cant get rid of.

Anyway. Yeah. I am back. Sorta. I dont really know. Lets find out!

So a lot has happened since we last spoke. You look a lot older, but I like what you have done with your hair. I see you have been attacked with the lockdown snacks as much as I have.

And in other news, some idiot at a bat and screwed the world / Released a weaponised disease from a lab and screwed the world / IT IS ALL A LIE!…and screwed the world. Whichever one you follow (if it is the latter, I just…I….no, it doesnt matter…your showlace is undone. But there is no doubt that the world has changed.

I have had to learn a LOT in these times.

While my facebook feed has been watching people on a journey of discovery in to their cooking ability, I have myself moved on. I havent had a single meal which took less then 4 minutes to cook and didnt involve me violently stabbing through the cellophane lid with a fork several times and losing at least three layers of skin from the roof of my mouth and talking with a lisp. Sure, I am not cooking banana bread, nor toilet roll surprise with the spare rolls from the 234878923 I bought at the beginning of lockdown (I didnt…I am not really that person). But my food now goes in to the oven for 30 minutes before being ready to eat. Yep, I am growing up.

The sandman seems to have been furloughed too because what the hell…are you having as much fun as me at 3am going “Yeah. Hi Brain. How ya doooiiinnn. You look tired. Why dont you close your synapses for a bit. Go on…shut a few down. No…NO…do NOT start thinking about that. NOR THAT. OMG…what is wrong with you? Just shutdown for a while…and just the bit which makes me sleep, not that bit where I now cant talk likth a humansasac beeeingsh….you bastard.

Anyway. I aint writing much. I plan to just put this hello here and maybe I will write some of the MANY things which have been in my head the last few months over the coming week.

Love ya.

Sy. xxx

Men should not go shopping alone. This is a well documented fact.

The result of when my girlfriend goes shopping:

“I have bought fruit and vegetables and got you this bit of chocolate. I got you a bottle of beer. I also have bought meat, pasta, potatoes and enough food to make lunch and dinner for the next week or so. Cant believe I spent £80 on that lot though!”

The result of when I go shopping:

“I am back! I did it! I did it all on my own! Spent a damn FORTUNE there. Honestly, groceries are sooooo
expensive.”

“Ooohh!! What did you get?”

“This lot!”

“So you got a crate of beer, more packs of crisps than can feed an army…do you need a chocolate bar THAT
big…wait, THREE bars of chocolate THAT big? And what is this?”

“For me.”

“But what is it?”

“I am not completely sure, but they had an ad for it in store and it looks awesome. It has flashing lights and stuff!”

“So what are we having for dinner being that you only have junk food?”

“Do you fancy a takeaway?”

And this is why men should not food shop.

The same comes from a man joining a woman during a shop.  “Put that back.  And that.  And that.  Look, stop
picking things up, we don’t need them” and this is only in the magazine aisle as we walked in.  It isn’t sexist for a man to expect the woman to do the food shopping alone…it is healthier for everyone involved.  Certainly in my case anyway.  I am sure there is some metrosexual man out there who is awesome at it.  Get involved son.  Until then, I will live with doing the shopping in a way that I know how to do it.  I dont even understand what the aisle which looks like a garden is for.  “Fruit and Vegetables”???  Stupid name for a garden.  Eden.  THAT is a good name for a garden.

But this is just the tip of the iceberg.  A few nights ago I was left.  Abandoned if you will.  I was given my strict orders…be at the IKEA car park at 9pm.

I did it.  I got there at 9pm.

Then I got the most disturbing text I have ever received.  It read:

“Ugh, running late.  Can you go in, check out the wardrobes, when I get there just show me the ones we can look at getting”.

Wait…WHAT?  She wants me to go in to Ikea…ALONE?  I started to get nervous sweats.  I sat in the car another 10 minutes.  Hoping she would arrive.  She didn’t arrive.  Another text appeared “Sat nav is playing up…how is it looking?”

Oh god…I am actually going to have to do this.

I walked in.  I followed the arrows.  I didn’t really know what was going on.  Then I got to the wardrobes section. And I sort of hung around looking.

It was about this time I realised that people were starting to look at me. Then I heard the little mutterings as staff members started to hang around the area I was in.  Watching me.  Watching my movements.

“Do you think he is alone?  I can’t see his female adult with him.  Should we check on him?  I will go and ask”

“Hi, are you OK?”

“yes.  I am looking at wardrobes”

“OK.  Well, we are just over here if you need us.”

And then they stood hovering in the general area again.  I continued to look confused at the many wardrobes.  What if I chose the wrong one.  She knew what one we needed.  WHY WASN’T SHE HERE?

And then they started saying “Store closes in 15 minutes”.  I started to check my phone for messages.  Worried that if I bought the wrong one she may withhold carnal activity for an unset period of time due to a wardrobe she doesn’t like.

By this time the staff seemed very concerned.  There was a lone man in Ikea without his adult.  Not moving from the area.

And then she arrived.  Flustered from the journey and looking panicked.  She arrived and hugged me.  I was safe. I could hand over the baton to her. I could go back to walking 2 paces behind replying “Yes” to everything she said and following the orders that come with shopping.

The staff watching the emotional reunion of man left in Ikea alone and safety adult returning to save him seemed happy and went off in their own separate ways happy in the knowledge I was now safe again.

I still wake up in a cold sweat from dreaming about that night.  Please…I beg of you…never put your man through what she put me through.

Society has a habit of ruining it for those who like to do things a little differently. Those who dont conform the same way as we feel they should.  Those who have a hobby that people deem “a little out there”.

For instance, people dont get why I want to run up hills or get covered in mud or wade across lakes.  They look at me a little strangely.

But for others, society on the whole tells them they are strange.

Lets look at one such case that I read about recently.  By recently, I mean about 10 minutes ago.  I dont know why I thought that the time frame was important.  Aaanyway.  Have a quick read of this:  http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-cornwall-27643702 and then come back.

Are you back?

Did you even click on it?

Wait, you aren’t one of those whose parents told them to never talk to strangers, dont lick yellow slow and never click a link on some pony website where you dont know the person who writes it are you?  In case you didn’t…

A man with a cow slurry fetish has been jailed for five years after threatening to kill a family who tried to stop him targeting their farm.

<name removed to protect the guy…so ignore the name David Truscott>,<age changed to protect him also.  I will give a really difficult hint and if you get it I guess you deserve to know.  He is between 43 and 45>, repeatedly rolled around naked in cow slurry and developed an obsession with a farm in Redruth, Cornwall.

Exeter Crown Court heard that Truscott, formerly of Camborne, Cornwall, targeted the property for eight years.

The court heard that he initially removed cow pats from the farm but his behaviour escalated, with Truscott regularly entering the farm to perform a sex act in slurry.

See?  I told you that you would be judgemental.  For 8 years he was in a loving relationship with someone on the farm.  I bet you all judged him for wanting to be happy didn’t you.  Are you now ashamed?  Don’t you all want to feel love in some…wait….he was getting it on with poo?  Cow poo?  And when they say perform a sex act in slurry…slurry isn’t a name of a town is it.  He is…WHY??!!?!

I mean, I have had some weird fetishes in my time.  I once asked a girl to wrap herself up in clingfilm as a birthday present for me.  Or as a previous relationship broke down, I considered telling my then girlfriend that maybe we could try spicing it up a little and she could put a bag over her head and tying it tightly.

But you know…I knew it was wrong to ask her to do that because I just didn’t have enough clingfilm in the house.