As 2020 continues to get weirder by the minute, I am beginning to wonder if the film Idiocracy was actually a set of instructions to live by because damn… Or maybe a warning from the future, filmed in the past to show us our impending doom. But then, we get that with climate issues and the answer is “ah it will fix itself” as people buy 2000 packs of toilet roll in case Covid-19 gives them the shits or something.
And then Kanye West said “Hold my cosmopolitan and baby wipes” and decides that he should run for president. This is a guy who named his kid Psalm. Not for some spiritual reason, but because he is an utter dipshit. Like full on dumb levels of incompetence. And he wants to be president. The guy couldnt pass as a block of cheese. And while I agree this is a matter of taste…his music is pointlessly bad.
But you know…none of that compares to the pain in the world I have felt in the last few days.
It all started with an honest comment to my 5 year old. It was a rainy Saturday. We werent going outside and I had found my old Nintendo Wii so I said “Oi…numpty bum…fancy playing Mario Kart?”.
“WOAH! YEAH! VIDEO GAMES!” was his reply. Calm down son…calm down. I am gonna offer you a bacon sandwich later, so dont over peak with the excitement just yet…I dont want the reason for your death to be “Offered interesting sandwich after playing Mario Kart which caused heart failure” to be written on the hospital paperwork.
He had never played before. So we played. He came a respectable 12th in all the games for the first hour we played. OK so there are only 12 places, but that is beside the point. I, dear reader, smashed it out the park every game. #winner was a permanent fixture in my eyes.
And then he wanted to change character between every race. And change kart. And then I noticed the little git was starting to say “You choose your kart first”. He would watch. And then pick his own. Never the same kart. And then he would choose the map we race on. And about 30 minutes later, he went from a respectable 12th to a little higher and hit 4th. I was still being super awesome the whole time. Obvs.
It was a while later I realised that little Mr Smarty Pants was now checking what kart I used, then picked one he knew would work best on the map he was about to pick.
And then it happened. I was screaming along in first place. He suddenly piped up “See ya SUCKER!” and went flying past me.
I got played by a 5 year old. Who then went on to win loads of races using the same method.
He was getting a little over excited so I decided to put a stop to the racing because I was feeing emasculated. So I thought “Ah screw it…lets up the excitement.” “Hey…you race and I will make you a bacon sandwich if you want?”
“No thanks, I like beating you on here. We can eat later.”
I love him. And hate him.
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