Have cork, will travel.

Dammit. This blog is practically turning into a “How to diet” blog, but this news story was just too hard to pass by.

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DISCLAIMER. It is not gonna be a pretty post. If you have a quite vivid imagination, it is not going to be without it’s downsides. Also not recommended while enjoying a hearty meal, or just before a meal.

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According to “The Nannying state’s next piece of journalistic bull” (also known as “The British Medical Journal”), eating sugar free gum leads to severe weight loss, and gives you bad diarrhoea.

If I was a teenager with a little extra around the waist, or an anorexic who thinks they are fat, this is awesome news. Not only do you lose weight, but it pretty much gives you colonic irrigation. Why the hell do they deliver this “report” in January when almost every single damn person on the planet is thinking “hmmm…lets google quick weight loss diets”.

I dunno about you, but I am thinking of never giving this a go. Although, I feel I should also offer you the “Sy Diet“* if you do feel that you want to try something. If you want to feel like you are in a living hell (which is pretty much what any diet must feel like), then this is maybe the one for you.

What you do is:
Jam a water tight cork in your behind and then get a stupidly strong curry every night for five days and stuff as much of that as you can in your gullet. And I mean stuff it in. It is a diet remember…this is going to be practically your last meal. (Although when you think what it is doing to you, it may well be your last meal! Dead man pooping…)

Once that is done, it is time to remove the cork. Bear in mind there is 5 days of curry begging to get out along with anything that was in your body before you started, so can I recommend maybe an area easy to clean.

Probably not good to go removing it in the toilet at work, or at a friends house. Do it in a place where you have a good quantity of alone time…if not for you, for the person you live with. I just cant see how it is going to be pretty.

After removal…well, I think you can do the math. If you don’t lose weight within a few days, then I dunno…there is no hope for you. Start the gum.

I should also give one warning. This diet could lead you to start believing in God. If you aren’t praying in the first two hours after removing the cork, then you are probably a stronger man then me.

* – I have never actually tried this, and will never try this, so if you have any side effects, go cry to someone else. Actually, please don’t try this at home…