I think I am pregnant. Yes I know that a man cant get pregnant, but I really think I am. There are just too many similarities going on here to brush it aside and say “your being silly!”.
I have done extensive research on this matter. My research involved googling some random words and accepting as true the first site I clicked on. (Which was a site about making bread. “Bun in the oven” didn’t bring the results I actually expected). This method has never let me down in the past as I was once told by a guy in the pub who has a glass eye that Google never lies. He said that when he hears or reads a lie that his eye spins around, and this has never happened when searching on Google. You just cant beat a recommendation like that.
Having never suffered from headaches, memory loss and heartburn etc, this was all a scary new frontier for me. Although I feel I am also being set up for a hit here as my wife is not actually getting any side effects at all from her pregnancy which leads me to think I am getting the side effects for her. When I say is is not getting “any” side effects, I mean she is getting just one.
Got Milk? I remember that ad campaign! It used to amuse me. Since wifeo got what is affectionately known as knocked up, we have drunk more milk then I have had in my entire life. It’s all about the Nesquik. I don’t know who invented it, but I just want to get up close and personal in a thankful kind of way with them. It is guaranteed it will be a balding fat bloke rather then a model, but in my head, the designer of nesquik is really quite nice. And I think my wife will be OK with this as she is surviving life on strawberry nesquik. Without it, where would she be?
But there is a downside. I noticed things growing out of me which weren’t there before. OK, so ONE of them was there before…infact it was the one thing that got my wife in the state she is in, but I think I am now growing an udder. It is just typical. First I realise I have bird flu from the Christmas turkey and now I have mad cow disease. I am going to turn in to a turkey with udders.
Some people say “Everything happens for a reason!”. Really? Explain how when my unborn child finally comes in to the world, it is going to have a half cow half turkey for a father. And no I don’t want to hear about being able to give my child milk on tap as that is as wrong as it sounds.
Life really isn’t turning out how I planned when I set out my life goals. I remember it vividly like it was yesterday. I sat there, reminiscing about life to that point and where I should go with it. I decided that I would be an astronaut. Then a jet fighter pilot. Then a mechanic.
Ahhh yes. The goals and ambitions I had back when I was 7. Now I am turning in to a cow/turkey hybrid. How things change.
wheelturninghamsterdead.com 
