It’s a shiny metal person you say? And you think I care?

I don’t care. I don’t care. I don’t care. No really, I don’t care. I am talking about the Oscars. I didn’t even know they were last night. But now I am forced to endure watching it on Sky News with the sound down and a machine making up the words as it goes along in the name of real time subtitles. The word Found becomes Ford. Some guy has a belt and is at work. Huh? See I cannot decipher that one at all and am supposed to find out about interesting and informative news articles.

But really. Award ceremonies are as fake as Disney. And they always make us Brits look stupid. Yeah we win stuff because frankly, we rule. This is not open to discussion or alteration because it is true. But why is it that whenever you see a Hollywood “Star” from the States get an award, they are there with a great tan and trying to hide the fact they knew they would win with a fake smile and a “Oh, I didn’t do a speech, but hey, let me reel off these 200 words without stuttering or making it look like I am making it up”. Whereas us Brits get up there and look stupid.

Some woman I have never heard of in a film I will never watch won an Oscar. I know she is a Brit as the subtitle machine told me that the goose flies at dawn. But the clip shows her getting up and then she vanished. I would say that her skin had the shine of brilliant white but damn…if she got any more pale she would be transparent! Get some fake tan or something! You look like a goddamn Eskimo.

But if you want real news, then look no further then the story of a man who died after eating too many fairy cakes. No really. He did. No I know, you just can’t make this stuff up. He was of course in a fairy cake eating competition. But then, why wouldn’t you be? See, it is sad that he has died, but lets be honest. If you are gonna go, at least go in a manly way. “Yeah, he died fighting a pack of lions. He took 3 out before they got him” sounds way better then “He was eating fairy cakes and now he is dead. He took 3 out before he finally went…”

The world is a scary place people. That is why I have my little mental cocoon I live in which is padded so as not to hurt myself.