*** I apologise to any new readers. This wont be my best post, but I wrote it and had nothing better to post today! ***
Just to be no different to every other post, I am going to talk crap. Well, actually I am going to talk *about* crap. Why? you may ask. Why not! It is the one thing I have in common with the whole world!
I am trying to understand the differences between Man, Woman and Animal.
For instance, Confucius once said “Bear who poo in woods, yank no chain”. He also said “Man who poo in toilet, need big paper roll”. But then, that Confucius was one weird chap. Very good cook though from what I heard. He also never really spoke about women. Pretty sure that is a Freudian issue which we can cover in another post.
The reason I came up with this post is because after watching; no, watching is such a strong word. After being subjected to being in the same room as my cat when she decided that the litter tray was looking a little empty and the room was smelling a little fresher then it needed too, she sent off a kitten payload and then proceeded to throw as much cat litter as she could on to the surrounding floor in the name of covering it up while a green mist abused my nostrils.
As a man, I know that every so often there is the inability to “hit the pan” when emptying our collective bladders, which leads to public toilets smelling like the smell of death. But women do not have this issue. I once “accidentally” stumbled in to the women’s toilet and it was a meadow with fluffy bunnies and smelt of the sweetest smelling rose.
So a cat throws her stoney toilet paper around. A man hits the floor no matter what we do in the name of good aiming and a woman comes out smelling of roses.
But the cat is female. So why is she so messy? Why does she not smell of the roses that a woman does. (you know, I have NO idea where I am going with this.)
In fact, why am I even talking about how a women and a cat go to the toilet? Well, it is called investigative journalism by a man with too much time on his hands.
I have done some research on this subject. And when I say research, I mean I am just making this up as I go along. Feel free to stop reading and read one of my other posts, as I think this one, just like the subect matter is not suitable for human consumption.
According to my head, it is related to the major chemical differences between the 3 species.
There are some things us blokes just don’t find important so we get on with it and get out to carry on with what we were doing. Unless you are a metro sexual man of course, and then you put skin softener on your behind to make it feel pretty and dab something nice smelling on your face as you leave the bathroom. You then check every mirror you pass in case the 11Kgs of hair gel holding your entire body together isn’t coming off, just like your orange tan.
To a woman, the act of visiting a bathroom is more about how good you can look coming out of it. Thus why some men can finish a 3 course meal waiting for their other half to come back to the table. This leads to a whole manner of items being sprayed and the bathroom aroma is pleasant, which leads to the fluffy bunnies setting up home there and the grassy meadow’s and rolling fields having the deep green grass of home colour.
The cat on the other hand thinks knows I am her personal slave, so makes a mess, sniffs it and realises her eyes are watering so looks and me and saunters off content in the knowledge that 20 seconds later I will have a dustpan and brush in my hand and my head too close to the litter tray.
So there you have it. Absolutely no clarification whatsoever. In fact… Worst. Post. Ever. It really was crap! Please come back…the next post will be so much better. Promise.
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