This post would be so much easier to write if I was a woman*. But alas I am not. And I am not going to have a life changing operation just to make it easier for myself and for you. Anyway, I have an impressive set of man-boobs, so I am half way there. It is like the best of both worlds. What’s that? Pectorals? Nooo…I am just fat.
Imagine a place where TV ads really were true, and not the bull that we get on TV these days. I got the inspiration for the post during a rare stint at watching TV. Well, I watched a film. But it had ad breaks, and while watching one and thinking “What a total crock!”, I came up with this idea. Bearing in mind I am English, you may find this post makes absolutely no sense to you. If that is the case, hey ho. So. This is how my day went:
This morning I got out of bed. The sheets were silky soft which made me slip all over the place during the night. I fell out 3 times and stubbed my toe in one of the falls while frantically holding on to the side of the bed. This is because of the detergent we use. It makes my sheets so soft it is like sleeping on an oil slick while being greased up in the non sexual way. Or either I guess.
To recover from this, I went to the bathroom to wash. I cleaned my teeth. They are now so white (even the 8 unstainable gold ones) that should there be a war, I cannot go out at night. I have to have a lead mouth-guard on to help my wife sleep. It looks like I have a perpetual energy source in my mouth glowing and lighting up the room.
So I took a shower. The bubbles caressed my skin and formed a rich lather which filled my body with many vitamins and minerals. I got some in my eye. It bloody hurt. While frantically rushing around trying to get it out of my eye, I bit the inside of my cheek and got an ulcer.
I got out the ulcer gel. On using it, a small army of little weird creatures caressed the ulcer to make it better. But some were juvenile little creatures and started hanging from my tonsils swinging about and making me choke.
Recovering from choking, I cleaned the mess in the bathroom from my thrashing about cleaning my eye. I picked up a live duck and strangled it in the name of cleaning the toilet. This is OK, and not a matter for the RSPCA. I then sprayed the shower guard, got dressed and made my way downstairs.
Breakfast is a scary event for me. It is full of weird and wonderful creatures, when all I want is to eat. So do I have Coco Pops again? I am still cleaning up monkey poop from last time I had them. He might look like a fun animation on the advert, but that little sod…and he is being chased about the house by a tiger called Tony. So I think about having Rice Krispies. But then I have to put up with the trio. They are so damn self righteous. They had the cheek to tell me the kitchen needed a clean last time I opened that box.
So I have toast. The bread contains absolutely no preservatives or additives. Therefore the loaf I bought yesterday is already a haven for mould. I shave the bread and toast it.
On finishing breakfast, I clean up the mess and last nights washing up. A small baby pops out of the bottle of washing up liquid. Fortunately it lands on the towels I washed last night and bounces. The problem is that is then slides off where they are so soft and I have not seen the baby since. I am pretty sure that in 18 years time it will come back to haunt me. I didn’t even ask for it! I just wanted to wash dishes!
While washing the dishes, I notice the oven needs a clean. As I pick up the cleaning product, my entire body changes shape and I am left in Y-Fronts and a vest with huge yellow gloves on and have a much geekier nerdy complexion then I usually have. Fortunately on putting the cleaning agent on to the grease, it all disappears. Actually, it is that strong, I now have a hole in the floor where the cooker used to stand. Someone in Australia is in for a nasty shock when it gets there.
I never thought making it through to breakfast was ever going to be this hard.
Right. That is part 1 finished. I cannot go any further with this post at present due to the fact watching these TV Ads is making me feel that taking a rusty sharp door handle to my manhood and chopping it off would be somewhat more fun.
* – The being a woman comment is because some of you use so many makeup products, I could write several posts by this point.
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