It is with thanks to Mrs Jane Turleythat the idea for this post has become reality. I am not sure if it was while eating an apple or being beaten with one, but she decided the content should include “Bath Mats”, “Small Rubber Bands”, “Issac Newton” and the “Tardis” from Dr Who. I think you can safely say she is not right in the head. But without further ado, let me ruin the next couple of minutes of your life for you.
It is a well known fact in the garden of Eden that Adam hated apples. He would often throw them as far as he could while playing with his pet snake. Nothing was more fun for him then getting 2 apples and playing with Steven the Snake but eating them was always furthest from his mind. Some bearded imaginary dude nearby was livid. The bible was re-written to take out this part of the whole made up story which is still well read today by millions.
Apples have never really left history after this point. Should you move forward in time, you will find that someone else had a fascination with apples. Yes that is right. Yours truly has a thing for apples. The glow of a granny smith makes me want to pucker up and visit a Dr. But the flaw here is that as the saying goes, “An apple a day keeps the Dr away”. So I stopped eating apples. 2 days later I made an appointment with the DR. A house call as always. The joys of privit medical. An apple in the bush is worth a Dr in the house.
As sure as expected, Dr Grinch appeared in his Tardis. An interesting fellow. I found he could be a little “excitable” if you mentioned apples though. Small rubber bands were more his thing. He would play with them for hours on end. Some say his Tardis ran on nothing but rubber bands and gerbil poo infused with the power off 5o0 damned souls.
He examined me and determined that I had Newton Faulkner disease. This is a fear of water. He determined the best way for a cure would be a trip to see the original finder of the first strain of the disease.
Upon climbing in to the Tardis, the first thing you see are thousands of the small rubber bands. Absolutely everything is made of them. I am going to be honest here. If you get an offer to go in the Tardis, bring your own toilet paper. Have a think about that. It is not the easiest thing in this world, or any that Dr Grinch takes you to.
But once arrived at our destination of 1663 we went in search for Isaac Newton. The original finder of the disease of the fear of water (also known as BathDodgeritis). He was an odd chap. Big teeth. Smelt of pears. He put me on a course of help to get me over my problem. For 2 years it was non-stop. Every day I was forced in to a bath. The bath mat smelt like a badgers behind. Newton was nothing if not a little messy.
I decided to clean the bathroom, and after washing the bath mat, I hung it from a line tied between the Tardis and an apple tree. This displeased Newton. Probably because he was so stuck up his own behind telling me how the diffraction of light behind the bath mat could cause problems with his corpuscular theory of flight in which he was doing some tests.
At this point I was very much bored with his “theories” and ripped down the bath mat from the line. Newton looked up as an apple hit him on the head. YOU FREAKA! he stormed at me. At this point me and Grinchy got in the Tardis and got the hell out of dodge and have not been back since.
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