As a pack of sausages I bought once said of my cooking: “Here we go. Once more in to the fire”. So here we go. With gracious thanks to Tamera who has decided that the previous 2 attempts seemed easy and the best way would be to make me write a post that contained the most useful words of “Alligator”, “Condom”, “George Bush” and “Toilet Brush”. I want to say thanks for this, but it seems a touch polite for how I really feel bearing in mind I think I may well fall foul to the “what a crap post” award for this one.
Right. Lets give this a go. I shall aim to not make it too political, but you understand it is an easy target.
As I sit here with the Kerrang music video channel on and a bit of a headache, I take a sip of my can of Diet Coke and my thoughts wander to a ideas of self improvement and the simplifying of my life. To making myself a better person, and how to achieve this. People have through history felt the need for self improvement and to do it any way that seemed alright with the general population of the time.
It is a well known fact that snake-oil was used by many people in the past to make money off of some poor sap that thought that drinking a potion will make things like a lost leg re-grow or as a more recent event, that a man can get something awfully impressive in place of something that may not “be up to scratch” according to cosmo magazine. I am talking about a six pack here and not genitalia, so if you could get your mind out of the gutter for maybe a few minutes it would be appreciated.
Examples of the need for self improvement can be seen throughout history. For years I thought I should wear a pair of crocodile skin boots to make me look great when I didn’t realise I already was. Killing a crocodile to make a pair of shoes does seem a little harsh. Especially if you have really small feet. But it is why they kill alligators is more of an issue.
In July of 2005 George W(ker) Bush signed a petition with the toilet companies of America to take the world to the next evolutionary step. The basis for this was not decided by a highly trained organisation of experts, but more that Georgey Porgey had a dream one night. In the dream, he saw a vision of the future. Of a New World Order run not by the banks and large corporations, or even government at some point. This New World Order would be by Humagators. A new species of the human race filled with the cold ruthlessness of an alligator.
The basis of his thesis on this is that humans would have interoperable parts of their bodies. People questioned the need for a toilet company to be involved in this, but Big Dub was quick to give an answer. On a national broadcast, Wubblewew read out the following:
“My friends and fellow Americans. Today I come to you not as the leader of this great nation, but a man with a vision of the future. For many years my dear wife Laura has been spending hours of her life with a toilet brush in hand cleaning up my crap. A few weeks ago, an Alligator came straight out of the toilet of the Whitehouse. It is not known how it got this far north, but with a deft move, Laura was able to kill the Alligator with her toilet brush. The toilet brush was lost in the battle, and a memorial is being placed by Lincolns statue. It came to me in a dream that the toilet brush is a deadly weapon. I have therefore signed a pact with the toilet companies of the United States of America that they find out the secret of how she was able to defeat the Alligator with the brush. Once the weakness has been found we will strive to improve the new humagator species ready to send in to battle knowing that victory is the only possible outcome as the weakness has been eliminated.”
Some of America was sceptical of this, while others wholeheartedly stood behind their president. This was safer then standing in front of him.
As recently as last month, the first Humagator rolled off of the production line at BogBrush Industries. This model is known as the Humagator cistern 7. It had been requested we do not ask what happened to the first 6 incarnations of the model. Unfortunately for dubdub, the previous 6 had been sexually active after there escape from BogBrush Industries. One of their flaws was that there manhood had teeth and was prone to bite. Furthermore, the females of the species also got the same thing. This lead to a hormonal Humagator with a biting penis wanting more then a relationship, and hungry for revenge.
During a presidential “Meet and Greet”, Alice the Humagator managed to sneak in to the party. Armed with anger and an impressive figure, she took care of Laura and got DibDub in to her hotel room.
“Georgey…I need you to put a condom on.” Alice said seductively.
“Honey I have nothing going on down there to bother you” George replied. His brain vacant of all thought.
“Oh but Georgey, I am scared. I have an Alligator skin condom I need you to wear before I can have you near me”. Alice continued to push.
George agreed. Alice started to do things that no person in the world should have to even for 2 seconds think about. During this, George could feel something biting at his foot.
With a bloody splattering, the Humagators got their revenge.
BogBrush Industries were shutdown shortly afterwards with the directors of the company walking away with record payouts and nothing more was seen of the Humagators.
Or was there…
wheelturninghamsterdead.com 