Disclaimer: I am a little tired today, and my funny bone doesn’t feel so. So I apologise if this is worse then my usually low standards. I have not actually gone for the “humour” angle on this one, so don’t expect too much!”
It was the “budget” over here in the UK today. By “Budget”, they mean “Time to tax you a little closer to death people, and this is how you are going to pay!”. A man called Darling, Alistair Darling (No, REALLY!), has the joy of deciding how much to take from where, and how little to give back.
Naturally it made sense to have someone called “Darling” decide. Afterall, we have a Prime Minister called “Honey Bunches” and a Deputy Prime Minister called “Sweetie Pie”. They belong to the “Cuddly Bear” party. They decided the usual. Raise taxes on the fun things in life (fast cars and alcohol) and reduce tax on…erm…hmmm. Did they? I would look, but no. Lets not waste time.
I have decided therefore to create the Budgesy. I was going to call it the Syget, but Budgesy keeps that name theme going with the government dudes as it sounds like budgie (of you say it right).
So without further ado, the 2008 Budgesy.
Members of the house. It is necessary to raise money for health. It is known that laughter is the best medicine. To raise this money, it is decided that you will pay money towards a good cause and how much you pay is how much you believe is worth paying. To create the laughter, the members of the cuddly bear party will be dressed up as something supremely stupid, decided in a poll (or whacked with a pole, it is not yet decided) at a later date. Answers for possible costume attire in the comments section please. Note that the chosen outfits must be “gummy bear” compatible. They will be thrown at them.
Alcohol. All tax is to be removed. After all, kids will drink and there is no way of stopping them. By removing tax does not mean they will drink more. If they could drink 10 pints before, it is unlikely they can now drink 20 pints through it being cheaper. As decided earlier, the members of the “cuddly bear” party will be dressed up as per choice of the voting public in a poll. Before the dressing up of the government leaders, much alcohol will be consumed. This will help the economy as the makers of alcohol will continue to be in business and will employ more people, thus lowering unemployment. To tackle underage drinking, instead of making money from us good people and not helping the cause at all, underage drinkers will be wrapped in clingfilm and beaten with marsbars until sufficiently melted. That’s the chocolate, not the teenager. Oh, and so they dont melt too quickly, it will be done in a freezer at -18 degrees celsius.
Smoking. I don’t smoke. Never have. Sorry. I am raising tax by 80p per pack. This money will go straight to me. I have my eye on a yacht, and not being able to take money under the expenses claim, I am going to have to take it directly from you. Rest assured though. The once a month I go on the boat will be filled with an excitement not filled since the last time I dressed up as a gnome and went to the “Can you tell what it is yet” party. Hmmm. Stealing from the tax payer for my own personal gain. I really COULD be a politician!
Petrol. It has been decided that all tax be removed from petrol and diesel. This will help people actually afford to go to work in the car they want rather then stuffed like cattle in a crowded train or tube. If you are a lazy work dodging bum who just cannot be bothered to go to work, go to some other country and sponge off of their welfare state. The cattle bus is leaving in 3 hours. If you miss it, the same fate awaits you that awaits the underage drinkers.
Unlike the other budget done today which one point was: “From October 2009, rules for housing and council tax benefit will mean families on benefit are better off in work.”, the Budgesy will make this change now. Why wait a year and a half? Ohhh…because you made it up as you went along and this was never in the plan before! I am starting to see how this works now!
So to summarise. Vote for the “Cuddly Bear” party and you will get:
We will promise to spend money on the NHS. And won’t. We will promise to give money to families to help them. And won’t. (Of course, were they to not tax us to death on the first place, families wouldn’t need benefits!). We will raise taxes on everything that most of the population like. Nice cars, alcohol, smoking.
Come to the SLoP Party (Sy’s Liberation of Politics Party) and you will get:
The things you like. The cheapest you have ever seen them (unless you are 90 years old). People will go to work as it will mean your wages not being as taxed as much, you will lead a life more like royalty then Peasantry.
OK, so I expect the country to be broke inside of 2 years, but it will be the best party you ever had!
OK, so I have read this a couple of times and think it is somewhat rubbish, but hell…I wrote it, may as well post it!
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