…is not this one. But this is an interview with yours truly. With questions submitted by you guys. So what I am saying is… if you don’t like the content, they are your questions!!
First up is Anca who kindly didn’t send in questions which all center around the hamster. Even in his death, he seems to get the spotlight sometimes. So here is what she has asked.
Anca: What’s with this almost compulsive obsession you have with hamsters?
Sy: *Oh. Maybe she has centered the questions around that hamster* As a child, I had a rabbit. And a guinea pig. I wanted a hamster. Never got one. I came to resent them. There they are in their little wheel getting fit, and loved by children and adults because they have this cuteness about them. Then there is me. So so different. But then, I realised that everyone has a hamster in a wheel powering their brain. The more I read back the posts I write, the more I realise *my* hamster has left home, and my brain is just a turning wheel with nothing giving it direction.
Anca: Why is the hamster dead?
Sy: He may not be dead. He may be locked in a chamber in my brain somewhere. But that was his choice to leave my head and not even leave a note. Maybe he was kidnapped. I decided he was dead so I could move on and just accept the wheel for what it is.
Anca: How do you feel to be interviewing all these celebrities? Are they intimidating or are they just like me and you?
Sy: In truth, I have no real time for celebrities. They have illusions of grandeur, so when I am interviewing them, I see an equal and not someone who is above me. For the most part they are OK, but then you get the likes of Bugs Bunny. I had no time for him. He was rude and obnoxious. I made the effort, but then the demands he made…well, yeah. But then when you see the Easter Bunny interview, you see how fame has not gone to his head. And he has been around a lot longer. Unfortunately most of them are not like me and you. But that does mean we can destroy their life by bugging them continuously. They asked for the fame afterall!
Anca: Is the hamster really dead or is he just playing dead? How would he feel to know you are using him as a mascot for your site?
Sy: As I said before, I believe him to be dead. But it is more then possible he is playing dead. The question would be why would he want to leave my head unannounced and thus far not return. I cannot possibly answer that without laying my innermost thoughts on to the table here. And this close to lunch, there would be no time to clear up the mess before the pot pie is ready.
Anca: When did you first notice you were different? When was that first moment you discovered you have this ability to create a world of your own?
Sy: Different? Are you saying I am not normal? Damn that hamster. *pleads* “Come back hamster! I neeeeed yooooou!”. I spend a lot of time alone because of the shifts I work. I am also incredibly shy (no, really) so spend a lot of time in my head. A lot of stuff appears in my head which is not written down. This is because I would be sectioned.
Anca: Are you an animal lover or hater? (we all know you were trying to defend the alligator when he ate your cat, plus the hamster is dead – and nobody knows why.)
Sy: I am a lover, not a fighterhater. I knew that Charlie was still alive, and this was proven when she returned unharmed with nothing but a hangover from a long party she had been to. I believe it is for the better that the hamster stays away. Should he ever return, this blog may turn to a serious note and the usual general madness would be gone. Of course, it is worth putting it to the vote as to if people actually want to see what happens when the hamster is in charge of the wheel. I could install a new one temporarily, and may even gain more readers. But no one likes the serious Sy.
I hope I have answered your questions to your satisfaction Anca.
Next up, we have Jim. Looking at the questions he has supplied, I see that he wishes to see what really goes on in my head. The last time I saw a picture of Jim, he was dressed as Indiana Jones. Not every adventure is winnable Jim. Here is what Jim had to say for himself.
Jim: Sy I understand that you are a lunatic in need of serious therapy. Is there a reason why you have not sought treatment?
Sy: If I am honest, I treat myself. For instance, I tear my heart open and I sew myself shut. My weakness is that I care too much. But when I look at it all, my scars remind me that the past is real, so I tear my heart open just to feel. Although I have thought about trading this life for fortune and fame. Hell, I would even cut my hair and change my name. Oh. Hang on, that’s lyrics by Papa Roach and Nickelback.
Even though we have the free medical system here in the UK, it is worth noting that most of the people running it are worse then me. Or maybe I am actually ON medication. Most people could only come up with the stuff in my head via illegal substances or mind altering medical treatment.
Jim: OK so know we know why you have avoided treating your psychosis but where does your madness come from?
Sy: I have asked my Mum many a time just how many times I was dropped on my head as a child. Her answer is always the same. She replies “Whooobly jobby fling fling poodle!”. I am not sure what that is supposed to mean. I ran it though some translators but nothing as of yet. People say I take after my Mum. I dunno…I cant speak that foreign language. She is WAY more intelligent then me it seems.
Jim: I see very interesting. So how has this affliction effected your life when it pertains to dealing with the opposite sex?
Sy: It has affected me a lot. I did suffer from premature conversation ending. You know? I will be saying something and almost immediately I am done with the conversation without finishing the line. I spend ages trying to talk again, but I just stand there. Limp. My wife accepts me for who I am now, and has cured this, so I can talk to her on demand these days. She can just stand there and say something and I am right there in the zone ready to talk. We are close like that.
Jim: That was more than I needed to know but entertaining none the less. So where do you see yourself taking this little blog of yours in the future?
Sy: I already see the life-cycle of this blog coming to an end. I have considered completely leaving it or at least leaving it in a state of limbo for now and concentrate more on other things.
Jim: Are you sure you will be able to that?
Sy: Not a damn chance! I enjoy it too much. Although I am thinking of taking it in a different direction. The problem is that it would require way more audience participation. And more readers. I would like to do more stories based on words given to me. Or more interviews. But these all take people commenting and giving me stuff to work on. Which does not happen. And I have no time to advertise, and am not willing to pay for advertising on a site which I make no money out of, and will not put ads on the site for the foreseeable future. I cant see many people hitting the paypal link either. But that is because it is so well hidden on the page under the guise of a dead hamster. Hang on. This answer was serious. Let me change that. Oh no. I can’t. My premature conversation ending has ret…
Well, I hope that answered your questions Jim. And if it didn’t…well, ummm… too bad! You had your chance to elaborate when you wrote the questions! An interview is only as good as the interviewer.
And now we get to Don. Don is a man of the cloth. The “I wont wear loin cloth” I believe. We have on many occasions asked him to put the mouse back in the cage, but as you will see by his questions, it is alllll about him.
Don: Why do you think Don is such a successful humor-blogger?
Sy: I think it is realistic that Don is so successful because the more of his site that I read, the more I see my own material stolen and reworded. But his success comes from his ability to get inside the head of people and make them come to his site. Actually, if you look at the captured CCTV footage at THIS link, and then go to his site, you will see that they are the same person. Yes that is right. Don is using hypnosis to make people like him.
Don: If there was one thing about Don that you, in your pathetic cocoon of self-delusion could emulate, what would it be?
Sy: I think the beard. I get all itchy when I start to grow mine, so I shave it off. The fact that I can tell what a man in Idaho had for lunch from just looking at a picture as half of it is in his beard…well…of that I am jealous. I try. I try so hard. I try to accept it will itch while it grows, I really do. I just can’t do it. *sigh*
Don: Why should Don, already busy saving the Earth from imminent destruction, spend his exceptionally valuable time playing the straight man for you? (Give examples. Two diagrams required.)
Sy: An interesting question Don. But you have not given all the facts in the problem of Earths imminent destruction. It is in fact YOU which is causing the destruction of earth. I am the saviour. A perfect example of this is below:
As you can see by this image, he looks confused. Unaware how to fix the world. So who does he call?
And there you have it. The boy wonder who Don thinks is a sidekick, is actually the guy running the show. Don was given “star status” after winning the coin toss. I do the saving. Thank me, not him. If you see him in the newspapers taking the credit, just know you read it here first. He is nothing. I am everything. (He is nothing, I am everything? What the hell am I? A damn sprite advert?)
I decided to not add 2 diagrams as I think the pictures say it all. Instead, I shall do just the one below which shows a simple calculation.
As you can see, Sy is on the straight and narrow. Don is in freefall with nothing to hold on to.
I hope that you are happy with the answers to your questions Don, and thank you to you all again for participating.
wheelturninghamsterdead.com 