I decided I needed to take this site up a notch. To give it an intellectual side for a post or 1. What better way then to ask 2 fellow bloggers to give it a go. I decided on the 2 people after I had been maybe a little harsh in siding with the side of the beast in posts that they had posted. Although I stand by my decision to support the animals in question, and they were definitely on the right side, I felt compelled to let the posters enter the world of the hamster and send over a post.
Then I got the posts. And I realised this will be the longest post ever.
Then I realised I bit off too much because they are slightly “too” clever for me, and the posts were better written then all of my back catalog of 80 posts. But I am a man of my word (that word is Schnibble). So here we have it. Post 1 is by Tamera. I decided that Tamera should post first because when I read the second post which was by Floog, I realised that I could use it to my advantage against them! I have not edited the posts. They are in their raw format. Why? Coz I am lazy! Ta-daaaaa! Here we go! Please keep all hands inside the car and only stand up should you require a bathroom break:
“We interrupt your program to bring you this breaking news update”
Reporter: Ladies and Gentlemen. We are standing out on the landing field at Gatwick Airport to bring you a most incredible news breaking story! As you can see, and hear by the sirens in the background, it is utter chaos here. It seems to be that a young male has stolen a lift, driven it out to a jet full of passengers, and is seemingly attempting to climb up on the nose of this aircraft! We are working feverishly to speak to the authorities out here in order to find out what it is that we are observing!
It is most incredible, and utterly unbelievable. Jack, see if you can zoom in with the cameras, and get a closer shot. I can’t quite figure it out….but…it seems to be that this man is climbing out of the lift, and what is that he has attired himself with? Just one second! We have just been joined by the Manager responsible for daily operations out here at Gatwick, and a Clinical Psychiatrist that has just arrived in an ambulance from the local hospital.
Reporter to Manager: So, Sir. Do tell us. Does your airport security have any idea who this person may be?
Manager: I cannot believe this! Oh dear. We have flights to get out! This is going to cause such delay at Gatwick here today. I do not care who it is! Just get the nutter out of here, so that we can get on with it. Who let him out here! Somebody doooooooo something! Hey! Hey you over there! What are those fire trucks doing out here???? There is no damn fire, for G*** sakes!
Reporter: Please, Sir. It’s not allowed to say ‘nutter’ on camera, and please watch your language. Well, eh….Right then. Let us try to get a word in with the Psychiatrist.
Reporter to Psychiatrist: Tell me Doctor. This does seem a bit extraordinary, does it not? We can see that the ambulance drivers are running after him around the jet, and the police are on the perimeters covering their backs. This does not look good at all. Do you think he could be dangerous?
Psychiatrist: Well, he does seem to be……Oh, here he comes running around the front side. What in the world? Oh, Holy….Is that tight black undies he has on? And, a black mask and cape? Oh dear. Is he in Batman drag?
Reporter: Well, you may be right. It does seem to be the undies of Batman…but, wait! Doctor, what is that hanging around his neck? A sign of some sort? Quick Jack! Get a zoom-in before he runs around the back side of the jet again!
Psychiatrist: *Gasp*. Well, I do say…
Reporter: You said it Doctor. The sign seems to read, ‘SAVE THE HAMSTERS! Before it’s too late’!
Psychiatrist: Oh, but we do have a case here, don’t we?
Reporter: Give us your assessment Doctor.
Psychiatrist: Well. Firstly. I can now clearly see that it is no Batman attire we are seeing. It is obviously Darth Vader, and that lends very bad news about this man’s prognosis. A very bad sign, indeed. An inner conflict between good and evil. This lad is hurting beyond belief! Hmmm. Yes, yes. Terribly conflicted. This will entail a lengthy stay on the loony ward.
Reporter: Sir, please do not use the word loony on the air.
Psychiatrist: Sorry, Good Fellow. Old habit. Got carried away. Right, then. Well, I mean really. It is clear that had it only been Superman attire, an overnight observation would have been sufficient. Oh dear. My drivers are looking a bit exhausted out there, aren’t they? I suppose we will just have to let the lad run in circles until he exhausts himself. Perhaps we can then find out who this individual is. I can see that it may take a while, because as you can see, he has begun flapping his arms up and down, cawing like a raven. Hmmm, yes. New to me, Good Fellow. I shall have to look this one up in my medical dictionary.
Reporter: *shaking head*. Poor, poor, man. Such terrible fate!
*mumbling into earpiece…”yes, OK”…* Ladies and Gentlemen. I have just received the most incredible scoop from my producers. A telephone call has come in from Houston, Texas…USA…of all places! This is just incredible. It seems that a most brilliant, and they say extremely gorgeous, woman….oh, OK. Yes, they are adding over-the-top, out-of-this-world intelligent woman……was sitting with her morning coffee watching CNN International, when she realized (as smart as she is) that she recognized this fellow. She has called from all the way over-the-pond, and informed the officials that his name…..is, Sy!
Manager: Sy??????? Oh, for the love of…..Poor bloke. I should have seen the signs. I was afraid that the problems over at Terminal 5 (Heathrow’s terminal) was going to bick him over. I kept pouring vodka down his throat to relax him, sending him over each shift to deal with it. Oh! I feel so ashamed! I feel so responsible!
Psychiatrist: Now, now. Why don’t you come with me over to the ambulance for a little while. We shall talk about this guilt-complex.
Reporter: And, it seems as though this individual called Sy has fainted in his cawing frenzy. The drivers are picking him up from the ground, as he babbles nonsense.
Well, there you have it. All has ended well, and Sy will finally receive some help, and a long relaxing stay on the loon….Eh….at the hospital. As for this brilliant lady in Texas, Tamera Daun, I’m certain that she will be appropriately rewarded for being the true American Hero that she is. My producers are telling me that she is being rewarded with a two-week trip to the Bahamas for her alertness, beauty, and of course…intelligence.
Goodbye for now from this incredible newsbreak at Gatwick Airport. We now return you to your regular program.
So there we have it. Tamera thinks I might be a little “nuts”. Well, she is right. BUT. There is one thing that she is about to find out. Where do I get my “insanity” from? Well, my SISTER. That is who. And who is my sister? Well, lets have a read of Floogs post and find out! As before, I request no arms outside of the car. And drink requests may be made after the show:
FLOOG EXPOSES THE SHOCKING TRUTH!
Ladies and Germs, strap yourself immediately to something stable and Prepare for impact! Erm, you at the back there….no, that’s not what I meant and you’ll probably be left with some chaffing marks! (Editors note: I will pack the KY next time.)I bring shocking news which I have just unearthed, that will shock you in a most shocking sort of way.This information is so sensitive that even I am only allowed to glance at it for short bursts not exceeding fifteen seconds at any given time within a twenty four hour period, and subject to an armed escort and full access to counseling services thereafter.It is so secretive as to make the Watergate scandal and President Clinton’s choice of Cigar dipping technique appear like an open book….. probably one of those Mills and Boon ones that people strangely keep in their lavatories as a little light reading during those awkward and lengthy ‘Interludes’.
During the past few months, upon reading the amazing words penned by resident proprietor of ‘THE WHEEL IS TURNING BUT THE HAMSTER IS DEAD’, our very own SY, I have experienced regularly, an involuntary and bizarre feeling within the pit of my stomach. At first I attributed these bizarre inner feelings to unrequited flatulence, but following a short course of ‘Windeaze’ and an impromptu session of home made colonic irrigation using a length of garden hose pipe and a twelve volt water pump from my garden fountain, I found that such feelings persisted.
Lady Tamera and I had long since established a healthy Cyber friendship, I placed Random anonymous comments on her blog posts to boost her figures and raise her ratings, and she kindly reciprocated on mine. It seemed to work well enough. Following a bottle of cyber wine and slipping into something far less comfortable, I suggested that we take things a little further and we decided to delve a little deeper into the murky world of Sy’s past. We were fully expecting Sy’s past to be filled choc full of grimy, turgid, muckiness….a bit like those stains on the collars of your white shirts that just won’t come out even after a boil wash and a vigorous stiffing with a hard brush!
We were not however, prepared for the startling truths which we uncovered. Even as
I write this expose, I struggle to control my nerves, and not just because of the Litre of Snakebite and fist full of Quaaludes I’ve just downed!
Sy, myself and Lady T are in fact……. TRIPLETS!
The product of an ill advised, illegal, illegitimately funded and, any other derogatory term commencing with the word ‘ill’, unfortunate laboratory experiment between a Hamster and a test tube, we were created by the dubious talents of professor Paul D. Otherwun and his partner in crime, Doctor Wendy Boatcomesin, in Bromley, South East London back in the mid sixties.
Myself being the oldest sibling by, ahem, several years is merely the result of basic thermo testubian freezonics (TTF) during which my brother and sister were kept in embryonic frozen state until such time as initial tests had validated the success of development. Two of us, myself and my brother Sy, were held in a secret lab in East Dulwich, London, from where I was placed into a regular family atmosphere when In new born status, I was swapped with my parents real son who is now better known as Multi millionaire entrepreneur Sir Alan Sugar! Ooops!
Sy too was swapped at birth and placed into a loving family in Maidstone, whilst Lady T was exported to the United States and formed part of a terrible mix up when she was accidentally swapped for a male baby who later grew up to become Bill Gates. Luckily, Lady T’s chosen parents had opted for a natural water birth and during an unfortunate incident in which the father fell into the birthing pool, after enjoying pre birth celebratory drinkies with the lads a little too enthusiastically, nobody noticed as midwife and insider Nurse Julie Noted, switched infants successfully.
The rest, as they say is history. The three of us have grown up simultaneously unaware of our triplet status, one of us some 4000 miles away in a land where the English language is merely borrowed and frequently abused!
The connections was so obvious. Lady T writes posts about animals that she is too slow to photograph, I exploit animals such as Alan the Fox (who coincidentally appears as centre spread in next months issue of ‘Fur Play’ £3.49 from all good seedy back street hovels), and Sy has complete conversations with animals and reports the interviews!
Then there are the other similarities…. Charm, sophistication, elegance, larger than normal IQ’s and the preponderance to do that strange thing with our tongue’s when trying to clear sweet corn from our teeth at social gatherings!
My friends, the truth is out and believe me when I say that nobody who is shocked by this revelation is as shocked as the level of shockidity that I experienced when I discovered the shocking truth.
Like the film in which that rubber faced buffoon Jim Carey is watched throughout the entirety of his life and doesn’t know because he is such a moron….. the lives of Sy, Lady T and myself have been analyzed from birth to the present day. What’s more worrying is that the powers that be are also monitoring all parties who regularly view the blogs written by the three….. THAT MEANS YOU.
I suggest you switched off your computer and make a bid for freedom into the hills while you still can.
Sy and Lady T, I know a suitable safe house, follow me!
FLOOG
Well there you have it. Floog uses words like “Vigorous stiffing”. I googled it, but because of my young mind, my Mum loaded NetNanny on my PC so all the results in Google were blocked.
Yup. My insanity comes from my older brother and sister. It is fair to say that they got the brains and I got the least pocket money. And as you can see, Tamera already nicked the beauty part in her post. So yeah, I am left with nothing. *sniff*.
I hope you enjoyed hamster takeover. I will be back with something way less amusing tomorrow! In the meantime, bookmark Tamera and Floogs site. Visit twice daily and do not consume their posts with food.
wheelturninghamsterdead.com 