I am not sure why you wanted to hear from the deserter, but after he came back begging to get back on the wheel, he begged for me to do this interview with him. Obviously because he wants the pity vote from you people. I also just noticed that Hamster and Deserter are almost the same word, and he is both a hamster and a deserter. That makes sense though because so do the words Sy and Sexy Dude. Hang on, I will just install my modesty chip. *fumble click squeek OUCH!* That's better. Where was I. Oh yes.
Here is how the interview went: (for your reference, I am not happy to name him as that is free advertising. He will therefore be known as WLG. Worthless Little Git. Yeah? Well bite me!)
Sy: So. You came crawling back did you? Miss me too much or just wanted to maybe try to abuse my mind again?
WLG: Oh don't be like that. We both know the reason why we became separated!
Sy: *cough* eeeexcuuuuse me? At the age of 14, I was a happy kid. Quite bright, had a future. Hell, I could count to 11 if I used every appendage and could tell the time that Mickey was pointing to on my watch! I had a future. Then one morning I woke up. You were gone.
WLG: Yes, but you don't know what I was going through. I had drawn curtains heavy of my history. I had surrounded myself with misery.
Sy: Oh give it up. I am the author and I will dream up your pain.
WLG: OK..OK...look. Lets get on with this. It is hard for me as it is.
Sy: Fine. Geesh. Like I had it easy with you just appearing on my doorstep a few days back. So you have come back and want to get back on the wheel. You seem to have done well for yourself. You look well, aged very well. Why come back!! I just don't get it. But before you answer, a few people would like to ask you some questions. Answer candidly or I am going to cook you and me and Charlie will be having Hamster Rolls for dinner.
WLG: OK. Whats the first question?
Sy: They all seem to be about you. Like they know you and have some kind of bond, and have no regard for my feelings, but hey, I know the true story, and I am sure they will after you answer them! The first question is from Rose. Rose asks: I want to know if the hamster is scared of the many voices? Maybe that is why he pretended he was dead.
WLG: Well Rose. Sy was the one that labelled me as dead. Obviously he said that I was dead, whereas I was purely just absent. I had things I had to do. I won't lie to you though. The voices...so many many voices. It was hard to work out what "Sy" I was talking to half of the time, and one time I was talking to Captain Twinky. It was hard to stick around at that point.
Sy: Yup. Bring up Cpt Twinky why don't you. Ugh. Jim asked: I think we really need to know what the hamster thinks of you and why he has allowed to know he is alive.
WLG: Great question Jim. Sy thinks I hate him, and I am feeling the hate he has for me in the way he is talking to me, and I am sure you can all hear it in the text. I love Sy. He is the one most greatest person in the world. I turned that wheel for him for so many years. It was my life's work for such a long time. Even though I have been gone for so long, I still thought about him everyday. He is a really great guy. Amazingly good looking, bright, intelligent...and I like to think I had a part in that. I just had to come back. Back to where I grew up.
Sy: I feel sick. Do you slide under doors rather then opening them? And is it impossible to pick you up because you think you are sooooo smooth? I bet the ladies love you right? Anyway. Lets get on with this. Anca asked: Hamster, what ever possessed you to leave and abandon Sy and the wheel? And why come back now? Are you here to stay or just visiting? Where did you leave, where is your house now?
WLG: Well Anca. As I said before in the question Rose asked me, the voices were really getting to me. I wanted to take the wheel with me, but I loved Sy too much and knew he was nothing without the wheel. I want to stay now. I have asked Sy, but he really isn't having it. I was living in the head of a political leader known around the world. I cannot name him as I signed the official secrets act. Lets just say that it was not my finest hour. I am hoping me and Sy can work it out though.
Sy: No really. You aren't coming back in here. Tamera has asked: If you should decide to reinhabit Sy's brain, which greatness would you lead him to in the future"?
WLG: I have great plans. I could really do something with this blog. Make it something people want to read. At the moment it is pretty plain. Kinda crap and has the reading level of a small child. I think it is time to take it to another level. I am sure you all agree!
Sy: Interesting. Your true colours are showing. You are an egotistical maniac at heart aren't you!! The last question is in about 200 parts. Jane has given a whole list. Lets see how you get on.
What do you feel about gerbils? Rumour has it you are one but suffer from delusions of grandeur. Have you have a mammal change operation?
WTG: Oh. A supporter of Sy I see. Look lady. I am the greatest hamster to roam the lands. Get over it. The only operation I need is a reduction operation. You can read in to that what you want.
Your teeth are particularly sharp are you related to Count Hammy of Transylvania?
WTG: Actually, I think you jest, but I am indeed a 9th cousin 223 times removed. And I won't think twice about calling on him to get what I want in life. You hear that Sy?
When will you stop trying to build a second home in Ken Dodd's hair? Give the man a break; he's eighty didn't you know?
WTG: Without me setting up a temporary home in there, can you imagine the state he would be in? He is a dribbling mess as it is! Without me, he would forget to pay his taxes!!
If you aren't related to Count Hammy are you related to Sammy or perhaps Fanny?
WTG: Fanny is the maid! You insult me! *slaps you in the face with a silk tissue*
Sy: oooohhhh...handbags at dawn!
Please explain why Master Sy is continuously called upon to repair gnawed wires at gatwick airport? Are you in collaboration with Sy in an attempt to keep him in paid employment?
WTG: I gave up the gnawing game many years ago. I went to Gnawers Anonymous for several years and I now run a support group called the "GnawNoMore Group" every Tuesday. I have sent Sy an invitation to see if we can fix his issue.
Do you have a little blue uniform, a fob watch and stockings? Just curious.
WTG: I do, but my bedroom habits are non of your business are they!
Cats eat hamsters; are you shit scared?
WTG: Bring it on! I have seen her. Soft as anything. Look, there she is now! OI! Stupid cat! Oh shit....*runs*
Hamsters crap on cat food.( Their faeces looks the same as those biscuits.) Are you looking forward to be literally "shit" scared in some kind of sick and twisted way?
WTG: I just did. I actually didn't mean too...but have you seen those teeth? Holy cat biscuits!
Why aren't you dead? Hamsters are only meant to live for 3 or so years; you are 33. Would you like me to put you to sleep? I have a large mallet....
WTG: Sy put you up to this didn't he. I am sure you have seen the kung foo hamsters in the shops, so I can either use my dance moves on you which are so hot I am a fire hazard, or Kung Foo your arse. Bring it on sister.
I heard you crashed your wheel at a record breaking 320miles an hour. How much brain damage did you receive and more importantly when did you stop spinning? Are you now so confused that you wear a tutu? What preparations did you take for this amazing challenge; did you stick to pellets or switch to organic pasta for the extra carbohydrate?
WTG: Wow. You heard about that huh? I had been on Red Bull and strong caffeine tablets. Add a little vodka to the mix and you have some serious energy going on. I actually couldn't stop myself. I have had a nervous twitch in my leg ever since. And the tutu bit...that stays in the bedroom with the blue uniform and my batman cape, and is none of your business.
So there you have it. He is interviewed. I am not going to say this was the easiest interview I ever done. It brought back harrowing memories of only being able to count to 3 and being demoted to status of the town idiot.
I was listening to a song at some point during the writing of this post and hid some lyrics in the post. A special prize to the person that gets it and posts the answer to what song. I have a real time stat counter so I will know if you went away long enough to investigate! I only know of one person who would get it quick enough. Lets see if it happens. Challenge extended. Do you accept the challenge?
wheelturninghamsterdead.com 