Happy Saturday young readers of the interweb thing. Yes OK. It is currently 11:49pm here in the UK and will be Sunday by the time I post, so I am hoping that my friends from another timezone will read this. For everyone else…Happy Sunday!
Depending on time, tomorrow’s post will be from the frontline in the war. Tonight however, I have gone the “I went to Google and asked…” route. I picked my favourite searches that have found my site. Some read like a problem page. So I am going to answer them the same.
Dear Sy. I want to know about “Hamster milking”.
Uncle Sy says: I am sure you do. You can indeed milk a hamster. Unfortunately only the male ones. And the milk may taste a little salty. It is also no good as milk to put in your coffee but is better used as a dip.
Dear Sy. I want to know all about “All about male panda hamsters”.
Uncle Sy says: Panda’s and Hamsters are indeed two COMPLETELY different animals. So, what is it. You wanna know about a Panda or a Hamster? Coz the two aren’t compatible in the sack. You spend a lot of the time confused don’t you?
Dear Sy: “Can hamsters eat chicken”.
Uncle Sy says: Of course. Can I recommend making sure the chicken is dead and cooked though. They fight back otherwise.
Dear Sy: “Does my wife have to pee in a cup?”
Uncle Sy says: It depends. Is the toilet working as you expect it too? Or are you talking about when she really needs to go and someone is already in the can? It is a decision she must make, and not one you should Google. And if she does, make sure it is a wide enough cup. No need to make a mess on the floor is there!
Dear Sy: Should I really “Drink my wife’s pee”
Uncle Sy says: In the event of there being no apple juice…yeah for sure. Oh. And you might vomit. So only use it as a starter for your diet. And your sick. Go get help.
Dear Sy: Three words. “Falafel wind bowels”.
Uncle Sy says: I have NO idea. Although I can imagine eating such a thing could make your bowels turn in to a wind machine. But this is OK as wind is an alternative natural energy form. Get yourself to your local power company and go make some money!
Dear Sy: My “hamster has big stomach”.
Uncle Sy says: Oh. Fattist are you. What is wrong with having a big stomach? You people make me sick. I bet you tease people and are really insecure aren’t you. Nobody likes you. Not even your family.
Dear Sy: “what should I do with my dead hamster”
Uncle Sy says: A nice side salad and maybe fries or a baked potato would be nice. Stew would be weird.
Dear Sy: I think I have “Paranoia in my head”
Uncle Sy says: It is not paranoia. All of your family and friends are watching you and reporting to the government. You are part of a top secret study. You have things injected in your head. Don a tin foil hate and sit in a dark corner. It will be OK. They cannot get through the hat.
Dear Sy: “why is my stomach so big”
Uncle Sy says: Why do you think? “A chocolate bar” means 1 small bar. “A pack of crisps” means 1 pack, not the multipack. Geez.
Dear Sy: Is it wrong to “lick bird poop”
Uncle Sy says: Hell no! And while you are there lick the plug socket. Ohhh and you have to have a long thin metal rod attached to your tongue first for full effect. It’s tingly!
Dear Sy: Can “hamsters come back from the dead”
Uncle Sy says: Once they are all stiff, they are only good for throwing at teenagers who annoy you. It is unlikely they will come back from the dead. Although, it is worth mentioning that there are several cases where they have come back as zombies. They will be sucking your brains through your ears with a straw in the next 40 minutes. Good luck.
Dear Sy: I have a “head turning hamster”. Help.
Uncle Sy says: Your hamster is possessed. Team up with the person before this and start a zombie fighting force. Good luck! *If there’s something weird…in ya hamster cage…who ya gonna call? ZOMBIE HAMSTER BUSTERS!*
Dear Sy: I need to “pick your brains about France dinners”.
Uncle Sy says: Pick your nose. Same type of flavour. Go to Tesco and get a microwave meal and live a little longer.
Dear Sy: I “need to see a pic of a hamster” Thanks.
Uncle Sy says: I need the winning lottery numbers. Some things you just don’t get. Way of life I am afraid. So stop your stupid demands and go get Sy a beer. Good chap.
So there you have it. People search for some weeeeeird shit. I on the other hand don’t. My last google search was “I have a weird thing in my trousers. Mummy tells me to stop playing with it. Is it bad?”
wheelturninghamsterdead.com 