I don’t want to get in to the politics of knife and gun crime as this is a humour site (yeah I know. Well, *I* find it funny…). But I need to talk about the new criminal “fashion”. Yes. It seems the days of guns and knife crime being a street problem are fading out to be replaced with something altogether worse.
This new problem originated in New Zealand. It is thought that terrorists are already planning to use this at some point too, so keep your eyes peeled.
So just what is this new culture?
Hedgehog throwing. So as the story HERE goes, a man in New Zealand was arrested for throwing a hedgehog 5m at a 15 year old boy.
It hit the victim in the leg, causing a large, red welt and several puncture marks.
Now I have seen footage of this, and I can tell you that it is no ordinary Hedgehog. It has been specially bred. It stayed small and compact until just near impact to allow for a streamlined flight and then out came the spikes moments from impact.
Here is a dramatisation of the Hedgehog seconds from impact:
As you can see, that is not a scared Hedgehog. It is an angry Hedgehog with a tattoo. Bred by making it watch morning TV chat shows which will fill any being with an anger unparalleled. The spikes are now fully extended, and lets out a battle scream as it nears it’s target.
Where will it end? I myself have been known for doing something similar in my many years on this planet. Early on, my weapon of choice was the anteater. I would use it’s trunk..or is it a snout…or just a big nose? Hell, I don’t care know. But I would use it to impale them. I would pick them up and drop them on my enemies from a great height. Unfortunately, my foe knew when I had dropped it as the anteater would generally crap itself on the way down and would hit the target before the anteater, giving them time to move. I once tried attack monkeys too, but that didn’t pan out quite as expected. They just threw the feces at each other and me. Both attempts were crap I guess you could say.
My ultimate weapon in the end turned out to be an attack sloth. My victim seeing me release the sloth would know a slow and painful death was coming their way. It would get them in their sleep. Sometimes days or months after I set the sloth on them. Focused on their mission, they would not stop until it was complete.
But back to the original story. Beware of Hedgehogs bearing tattoos or something. They are bred with an intent. I have already read a report that Osama bin Hedgehog is busy training them.
I have created a TerrorHedgehog guide. Please print it out and keep it with you at all times. You never know when you may need it:
– Should you find yourself in a terrorhedgehog situation, try to take safe shelter at the very earliest opportunity. A bin used for storing dog poop is often safe as the Hedgehogs will not go near them.
– Take up the foetal position. Use your hands to cover your head. Cry like a little girl. This could put them off by tugging at their heartstrings.
– Notify others around you of the impending Hedgehog attack by screaming “HOGGIES ON A MISSION!” over and over several times at the top of your voice.
– Do not try to save others. If you have children, make sure they are aware of the position to take up. The chances are they will save your behind.
– If you are in safe enough position away from danger, call the Anti-Hedgehog team on 43343464 immediately on the nearest phone. Calls charged at £8.50/min. 99% of this charge goes to the taxman, so I am sure you will agree it is a worthwhile cause. Infact, just call the number once in a while anyway. The government needs you(r money).
I hope this guide helps you and don’t be afraid to send me vast quantities of money as a thankyou. No really. I mean it. The little hamster at the top of the page is not there for the sake of it. Pay me dammit. I want money. I have a fat stomach to feed. No, I don’t mean my pregnant wife. I just like pies too much.
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