My apologies for my absence. Man flu you know. Horrible it is. Ache I do. Sneeze lots I do. Lose ability to write proper sentence, happen has. Infact, I still feel rough as sandpaper toilet roll, so dont go expecting the usual rubbish. This could well hit a new low!
So. Whats the story? Well, Pinky (who it seems is has a mad hamster) emptied the contents of her mind, and the loose change equated to the words Maltesers (a chocolate sweet), Sideshow Bob (if you don’t know…), Ladyboy (mmm. Tasty) and Porcupine (prickly) to write a story about. Luckily, Pinky is a dedicated follower of fashion rock music, so I can let her off of the words by making up for it in musical taste.
Right. For the benefit of several readers, here is what I came up with while high on flu capsules:
Many years ago in a sandy desert in Africa lived a young porcupine called Corky. Corky was well known in the porcupine world for his magic tricks, balancing acts and ability to fire quils from his behind. His favourite trick was to fire the quills at Maltesers and then after the show, they would all sit around a fire eating maltesers on sticks, while singing songs about hippies. His abilities seemed endless. All the other children would follow him around, asking him to do tricks for them.
Because of how pointy and spiky they are, the porcupines were being hunted to near extinction by a mad group of Zulu’s who were hunting them for there quils to make fetching head ornaments out of.
Being a bunch of porcupines, they were quite poor so there was a lack of Internet connections and no newspapers or TV reporters passing through, the porcupines realised they needed to get their voices heard. To have someone help stop the Zulu’s and let the porcupine population grow back to it’s original size.
Corky, being the ever entertainer, was picked to go forth and spread the word.
This was easy for Corky. Join a circus, travel the lands and tell people of the injustices in his land. So he packed his prickly case and off he went in search for a circus.
Sitting in a bar one night weary from his long travels, he sat drinking tequila shots. An attractive young lady at the end of the bar kept watching Corky, and after several more shots, Corky invited her over. The barman gave Corky a knowing “Don’t do it dude. Really…she is NOT what she seems” look. Corky pushed on with the young lady.
Corky: Hi, I am Corky the Porcupine. What is your name sweet thang?
Young lady: It’s Bob. My friends call me Sideshow Bob. It is short for Tracy. But you seem kinda cute, and I just LOVE your prickly bits, so you can call me Sideshow Bob.
Corky: Well, Sideshow Bob, what brings you here?
Bob: I am looking for a circus. I have just split up from my husband, and it seems like a good outlet.
Corky was very happy to hear this (not that she broke up with her husband, although he had some naughty ideas in his head), and after a few more drinks, they decided to hit the sack and the next morning they would continue their journeys together. Bob had a car, so it was handy as Corky had been hitch hiking. Unfortunately, Corky had a flatulence problem, and while walking away from the car at a rest stop, he managed to puncture one of the tyres. Bob was not happy, but realising she had a partner for the journey forgave him and let him continue the journey if corky corked it.
A few days later, they had found a circus, and were welcomed with open arms. Sideshow Bob became just that. A sideshow. She would entertain in between acts and keep the crowd pleased. Corky became a master with his quills. His used his act of firing quills at maltesers attached to a spinning wheel and he would fire quills from his behind and impale the maltesers. The crowd loved him, and he became a star act for the circus. This, even after a misfiring quill found it’s way in to the ringmasters behind in a freak “shouldn’t have had beans for lunch” accident. Would Corky ever learn that eating certain foods caused problems and he should remain corked up between acts?
But with fame comes popularity. Female fans would want him, and soon, Corky was beseiged by women. Being young and naive, he let go of his morales and accepted the advances of the women.
One woman in particular who went by the name of Toy managed to get in to Corky’s head, and Corky invited her over to his tent. They sat making cocktails, and with the spirits they had there, they made a “Sex with a porcupine”. “Fancy making a different porcupine now?” Corky said.
While getting a little steamy, Corky realised she had her own quill. Just the one, and it couldn’t be fired from her body. Infact, Corky wasn’t sure it was a girl at all anymore. Why was this quill tucked between her legs? And why did she have that lump in her throat? And she even had a couple of maltesers where her quill was! Was this a tucked back treat that Corky wasnt expecting, or had she lost a lot of weight recently and there was some loose flesh to still be sorted out? Nope, it was a man. A scarily attractive femanine one.
Corky was horrified. He kicked her/him/it out of his tent and called to Sideshow Bob who came running. Corky told her the whole story, and they realised that Toy had also been with Bob…but with “his” quill roaming freely. Upon hearing this, they decided that the circus was really just for weird freaks and went their own way, starting up a mobile library which contained books on how to check for any “tucking back” that may be happening, completely forgetting the experiences of the porcupine population back home.
The moral of the story? Well it is 3 fold really. Don’t write posts while on flu tablets. Don’t join the circus and become famous as it makes you abandon your roots. Make sure you check for an adams apple before you take them to your room if you are a man looking for a woman.
Right. I am going back to my vegetative state of laying down with a nose as crusty as Kevin the Crustaceon and sleeping a lot. I will be back when I feel better.
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