It is like a spiritual gorgonzola

Lets talk about “cheese”.  Actually, lets talk about “Hamsters”.  No…lets talk about “porn” instead.  Ah screw it.  What about the word “spiritual”. 

Well, I can’t decide.  But thanks to Jim, or is it The Movie Whore?  Or even “Dude.  Do NOT do that.  It is starting to smell”, I don’t have to choose.  Because they are the words he gave me to write a story about.  It is also worth mentioning that Jim has a soft spot for tweezers.  Or is it he has a soft spot because of tweezers?  It is hard to know, and better that you don’t ask him.

So lets see where these words take us.

It is the year 2012.  Religion as we knew it is gone.  A cascading effect removed all known religion from the world and replaced it with a new world order.  A new God is in town.   His name is HamsterTron.  Which is short for Hamster and Trust me, with me, it is always on.  The second part of which made no sense at all.  None.  Thus shortening it to Tron.

The cascading effect was due in part to a secret film of the pope.   In the years preceding the effect, many stars sex lives had been posted on the Internet.  This was not the case for the pope.  He did have a tape released, but it was not a sex tape.  His was much worse.  Dubbed the “GorgonzolaGate” tape, the pope was seen munching down on the blue veined firm salty cheese.  This infuriated his followers.  It was not long before the Muslim community followed suit after seeing their spiritual leaders amongst the munchers of the blue veined hooligan of the cheese world.

This led to total disarray in the now emptying religious world.  Everyone moved over to Buddhism, but soon realised the reason he was so fat was because he did not do any exercise (Sy: I know that one!) and so the religion became known as the “if you are too fat and lazy to exercise, I am too fat and lazy to follow you” religion.  Then they realised it was because of the amount of cheese that buddha had eaten.  Yup.  Buddha was also a secret blue cheese eater.

People wandered the streets wondering where to go.  Who to follow.  Bonnie Tyler re-released “Holding out for a hero”.  The lines “Where have all the good men gone And where are all the gods? Where’s the street-wise Hercules To fight the rising odds?” suddenly made more sense then ever because it didn’t the first time she released it.  Also, no one ever reported if she indeed found her hero.  Maybe not, thus the need for a re-release.

And then it arrived.  A white knight upon a fiery steed.  HamsterTron.  (I promise not to use anymore bonnie tyler lyrics).  He walked in to the broken down religious world like a cowboy stocked up on anti constipation tablets and realising the public toilets are all shut.  People saw his clenched look.  His face squahsed up like a gurning champion.  With the disarray they were in, they took the clenched buttocks and face like a disgruntled bulldog as the look of a deity ready to explode all over them with religious goodness.  People flocked to him for inspiration.  He responded.  Writing a book full of contradictions and false promises, he called it the “Biran”.  This had nothing to do with the fact his middle name was Brian and he couldn’t spell.  HamsterTron called his “religion” Musliality.  He appointed himself the spiritual leader and ran the religion all on his own. 

But with the history of HamsterTron never looked in to, people did not realise his murky past.  Why would someone whose real name was Nadir Brian CoughWarbler change it to HamsterTron?  HamsterTron was an ex porn star.  Ashamed of his murky past, he decided to butch up his image and get away from the porn industry by renaming himself.  HamsterTron was also Italian, where he grew up in a small town near Milan.  His father was a cheese maker.  A blue cheese maker actually.  Infact, the town he grew up in was called “Gorgonzola”.  

Nicknamed “The porn starola from Gorgonzola”, he had moved on to better things with the name change and people never realised his past and how technically, he was the anti-christ.  The harbinger of all things bad.  Or good, if you like cheese.  The religious world was now under the control of everything they had for years been told to hate.  Which was different to not realising they were already under that control their entire lives but the leaders not admitting it.

So there you have it.  If you follow religion, don’t bother.  The house always wins.