Young Don over at…erm…some site he does, gave me the following to work with for a story. “rhododendron”, “tarn”, “osteopath” and the phrase “Go for it big boy!”. Although I am not sure if the phrase was him giving me a phrase to work with, or he has heard the rumours about me putting on weight. Who knows. But hey, lets put it in here anyway!
Don has a habit of using his company called DonCo in to his posts. I was thinking of stealing this idea, but having a company called SyCo would maybe not get me the business I would like. DonCo also has a flashy office, whereas I have a bowl of Smash. But I have aspirations! Actually, no I don’t. But good luck with that Don. Anyway, I recommend going to his site once a year, glancing over it and then leaving a comment saying that this site is better. Yeah, I know I said that line in the post about saying you should go to his site, but I mean it. Tell everyone this site is better! Please? Everyone lies you know!
So anyway. The story. I should probably do that hey? Here we go:
Once upon a time, there was a young yarn seller called Don. His balls of yarn were the biggest and best in the land, and people enjoyed using them to make nice Christmas jumpers with a big green tree on it, or for making strange woolly hats with those weird floppy bits on to keep your ears warm.
All the other yarn sellers were jealous of Don’s impressive balls and all got together in a room, and decided the best way to take business away from Don would be to taint his name and put there balls on parade in a big show. The problem they had was that Don was a pure ball grower whereas the others all had other jobs. These included:
“Rhododendron” Rod Rabbit – A keen florist who loved to show off his rhododendron table decorations, and would often stick his balls on as a centerpiece. People found this a little disconcerting as they had paid for flowers, but often got a ball of yarn included.
Dr “Prod me, Poke me” Fe L. Init. A young Chinese osteopath who would often make people squeeze his balls of yarn while he was treating them. This often ended in a comforting feeling while Dr Fe squeezed their head working on a way to cure there RSI.
And finally a Fisherman called “Salty” Fred Kipper. Fred was a fisherman who fished the tarn’s of the area but had found his catch of the day, the TarnBuckle, was becoming short in supply.
It was nearly time for the Yarn-a-thon. The bi-yearly event where the yarn makers would show off their balls and have competitions.
In the days leading up to the event, the trio arranged elaborate events to make Don’s balls look less impressive. Knowing that Don carried his prized balls everywhere he went, they had to find a way to discredit his abilities.
Dr Fe L. Init wrote a case study with constant references to Don and his various issues which could mean his balls of yarn could be sub-standard. Rhododendron Rod sent Don’s friends flowers with messages on the card about worrying his balls wouldn’t work come Yarn-a-thon because he wasn’t up to scratch. But the worst was “Salty” Fred, who took Don on a fishing trip to the tarn, and systematically dipped Don’s balls in the tarn water, thus rendering them useless while Don was not looking.
Come the day of the event, Dr Fe used his best osteopath techniques on the female judges. Rod Rabbit brought flower displays for the judges – a rhododendron centrepiece with daisies circling it. Salty Fred offered Tarn trips to the judges and free use of his boat for 1 weekend a year.
And then in walked Don. Don did not try to bribe the judges. Instead he stood there with the light shining behind him making him a spooky silhouette grasping hold of his balls. These were not the tainted balls. It seemed that Don had more balls then the others originally realised. He had a sack full of quality balls actually. Don sneered at the other contestants who had tried to sabotage his efforts. Looking at “Salty” Fred in the eyes at the start of the contest, he says “Go for it big boy” as he realises he is paired with him in the contest. And the contest began. There were tests of endurance, Don showing his balls could fly through the air much longer then Fred’s lesser impressive balls. After the test were done, it was the judges turn to look at all of their balls.
The judges prodded, squeezed and inspected all of the contestants balls. Checking for sweater making ability, and overall strength.
Don’s balls won the contest by a mile.
The other contestants admitted defeat, and Don was handed the “Yarn-a-thon Balls of Steel” trophy.
The end.
Well. That was an innuendo filled funfest wasn’t it.
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