Ah yes. It must be Saturday, which can mean a lot of things. But today, it means I shall write the next installment of “You were searching for what?”. Unlike other times when it was done on search terms that found my site, this time I have spiced it up a little. I have covered it in rock salt, wrapped it in tin foil and stuck it in the oven until cooked.
And what came out of the oven? The search terms that make people find the site done by my esteemed bloggy friend Rose. Yup. Rose was kind enough to send me over some of her tasty search results for me to abuse in the way I abuse my search results! I have to say, I wasn’t expecting some of them to have found her site! As before, the words in the ” ” are the words that were the search result. The others are added in because I can.
So without further ado, I present you with “You were searching for what? The Rose edition”:
Dear Sy: “What u look like with blonde hair?
Uncle Sy says: I have been told I look like that blonde muppet. What is her name? I cant remember. Either way, it sucks coz I am a bloke. And one day I will be a silver fox.
Dear Sy: I have 4 words. “Baggy pants in the hood. Why?”
Uncle Sy says: That’s 5 words doofus. But yes. An interesting question. I believe it is to do with the fact that they are shy of visiting the toilet, so the quite voluminous trousers they wear are designed to hold in all the crap. This includes verbal. They have a built in febreeze container too, thus hiding the smell.
Dear Sy: What do you do when “approaching for casual sex”?
Uncle Sy says: Me? Normally I walk up to the person and say “Alright sweetcheeks. Looking for some action?”. Another phrase I use is “Hey wifey, wanna get jiggy with it? I have a lil sumfing for you”. I have found neither of these work. I would suggest asking your sister. Not for the sex obviously…
Dear Sy: “When I am old I am going to have” a pair of sunglasses that look like a banana.
Uncle Sy says: Don’t bother. I have some already. I am the king of cool. You will look stupid. If anyone can pull off having a banana on their face it is me. So I suggest you get your own look. Freak.
Dear Sy: Can you help me? I want to know “how to look beautiful in an ugly dress” thanks. Love, Lindsay Lohan.
Uncle Sy says: Look. Anyone can pull off an ugly dress as long as they aren’t an ugly annoying wannabe princess who thinks they are too important in life. As long as you aren’t one of them, you will be fine. Oh. I just checked your name. Your screwed. Give up now. For the rest of you though, I suggest a big beaming black tooth smile and ridiculous hair. It takes the focus away from the dress.
Dear Sy: Can you tell me “how to have sex with a vacuum cleaner”?
Uncle Sy says: Of course! I recommend NEVER using the low power ones. It wont work for you at all. Instead, what you do is get the highest powered vacuum you can find, then stick the little dude in there, then tape on the attachment in case it comes off and THEN power it on. It’ll make you so happy that you will cry. Do let us know which hospital to send the flowers.
Dear Sy: “How long until bimbo dollars come through”?
Uncle Sy says: OH! OH! You use that too huh! Oh yeah, I got mine in like I dunno, like, yeah it was like umm totally like 3 weeks and like I totally spent them on some awesome like great stuff right? Yeah it was like soooooo cool. Whats your nick? We can totally go have lunch or something like yeah?
Dear Sy: I am worried. “How long does my ipod have left to live”?
Uncle Sy says: Well Jimmy. I would be worried. I looked at the X-Ray this morning and couldn’t even see a heart in it. I am pretty sure it is already dead and has returned zombified. Chances are the next time you put the earphones in your ears, it will suck out your brains through the earphones and move on to the next sap asking ridiculous questions about electronic equipment. Good luck though. But if you are gonna do it, don’t go out listening to Cher or something. Can I recommend “Go to hell” by Megadeth?
Dear Sy: “is she bored with me?”
Uncle Sy says: I know I am. Go away.
Dear Sy: I heard a rumour. “Is Paris Hilton dead?”
Uncle Sy says: Oh stop it. Don’t tease me with exciting things like that. I checked and unfortunately there is some very sad news. She is still alive. But if we both pray harder, I am pretty sure we can make this happen! Help me jeeeebus.
Dear Sy: “Is it true sex gets rid of headaches?”
Uncle Sy says: I have been telling my wife it does for a long time. Her answer is always the same. That she enjoys the headache as it lasts longer, and at least she feels it. It hurts when she says things like that.
Dear Sy: “Is cooked penis served at Chinese restaurant in China?”
Uncle Sy says: If you feel the need to insert a penis in your mouth, cooked or uncooked, you don’t have to go to China. Your parents will be fine with it OK? Come on. Let me open the door and you climb out of the closet. Good boy.
Dear Sy: “Is it OK to give a friend a rose?”
Uncle Sy says: It depends on how you look at it. Giving your friend a punch in the chops is a lot more frowned upon. Therefore, I suggest punching your friend, and then giving them a rose. It covers all eventualities and the chances are they wont be your “friend” anymore and you can then try and woo them.
Dear Sy: “When a women is sexing more then one man is she a hoe”?
Uncle Sy says: There is nothing wrong with using correct grammar you know. When a women? But I find your question interesting. For instance, I never thought of using a woman who sleeps with multiple men as a tool for sorting my garden out. Or is this one of those “For your punishment, you will go play in the plantbed and not my friends bed” situations? Personally I think your an idiot and that it makes sense that she is cheating on you. Now. Go cut the grass like a good little loser.
Dear Sy: “what was the website called where you can play a game that aloows you to get boob implants and sugar daddies”?
Uncle Sy says: I was confused about this one and then I realised. You mean the Monopoly: Gummy Bears edition don’t you? Yup, those sugary bears do taste sweet! Oh, and men shouldn’t get implants, so I suggest going for the full op rather then just the implants OK?
Dear Sy: “Why do dogs suck toys and stuffed animals”?
Uncle Sy says: Are you saying you don’t? There is no pleasure more then sticking Bobby the Bear in your mouth and giving him a good long suck. Oh. Ummm… hey, I should probably stop this one now. But I jest. In reality, you should just realise that they do this for the same reason they lick their nuts. Because they can, and it is not frowned upon. Of course, if I was to do that in public, rather then point and laugh, people would be disgusted. That’s the problem with the world isn’t it.
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