Actually, no. This is the 101st post. But I removed an old one as I got bored with removing spam from it. But it was only the one saying it was my birthday so it didn’t really belong on the site, thus this is the true 100th post. And next year if you forget my birthday…well…yeah.
Should I do something “fun”, or something “Serious” or something completely different? Or should I leave this as it is right now and press publish with no content at all? I was actually going to write a story which contained the previous 99 post titles. But then I looked at them. Not a damn chance.
So what do we have? Well, a short while ago, me and Jim had an email chat about what would happen if there was a blogging convention, and who would go to it. It was broken down in to groups. Here is the result of a couple of emails back and forth. Don’t expect it to be nice about a lot of people. We were on quite a roll with it: (I removed most of the swearing to make it in line with the usual posts, but a couple of bits had to stay. Sorry!)
Once a year, on a set day which is one of a possible few (each country seems to have their own. Nothing like the Internet making us all closer and one big community), we celebrate “Blog Day”. Naturally, being that there are some millions of bloggers out there, we can’t all go to one big room, so it is a “By Invitation Only” event. There are a few classifications of bloggers, and set amounts of tickets are available for each group. Of course there would be free coffee and energy drinks. The food of course would all be snack food that you could eat with one hand while typing with the other. At meal breaks they would serve real food but no one would get up to go eat or move their laptop to eat where they are.
The following are the allowed groups, along with a brief synopses of each group. There are only so many tables available, and “blogger placement” is important. There will also be speeches by each of the groups.
So who are the groups coming to Blog Oddity 2008?
The “Picture Poster” group: This is a group of bloggers who don’t have the cognitive ability to actually write anything but “look at how many hours I spend scouring the web for the pictures you can find on a thousand other sites.” They all sit together posting each others pictures, half of which are of cats. This is because a cat will give you so many sexy poses, and everyone loves a great cat picture. Especially the one where it is sitting in the bath, or in a sink, such as the www.catsinsinks.comsite. That’s right. You can visit a site and choose both your next basin AND the type of cat you want all on one handy site. An ingenious idea, I trust you will agree. It is highly likely that this group will want to go last so they can copy everyone else’s speech. And mention a cat.
The “I think I am so funny” group: This special bunch of wasted human flesh ignore every rule of being a good blogger and sit down and rip everyone and everything. These cool cats get their own table dead center where they are talking to each other saying things like “Did you see this stupid site?” They will spend the entire convention doing nothing but making fun of the rest of the bloggers, while talking about the fact they have all found a weird hair growing “down there” in the last few weeks. Each member takes a turn at the podium pointing out the how lame everyone else is. Then laugh uncontrollably when they become the targets of others rants. Having to hunt in packs, it is easy to take down one of these bloggers should they wander out alone at some point during the evening. Their speech will be based around why they are funny and original and the other tables are crap. No one will laugh except the people on their own table. The rest of the tables will make the universal sign language motion for “w&%ker”.
The “2 Post Brigade” group: This is a table for those “newbies” who have 2 whole posts on their blog (1 being a post about who they are and why this blog will be better then the rest) and are complaining they cannot give up work yet because the AdSense is just not paying off. They will need to be kept in the corner of the room. For the most part, any established bloggers in the room will try to pass on information and guides as to how to get more readers. The 2PB’ers will not be interested and will spend the whole night talking about the way they know best and will plaster their sites with ads. It is best to ignore this group. The invite is only going out to them as they are sadly “the future”. Most of these bloggers won’t be back next year as they will have got bored inside of 2 months when they are not getting 10000 hits a day. Most of us want to hit them 10000 times a day.
While talking about the 2PB’ers, we also have the “Woohoo! Made myself $1000 last month from ads!” group. It is best to just throw them out to start with. Give the 2PB’ers something to work with. They will have made less then $0.10 and they only got that because they click the ad themselves at home and then at work to get unique IP hits. They generally have a site telling you how to make money. They all have the same content. It is “Bloggers! Plaster your site with ads! Pop-ups, AdSense and Audible. Content is not a problem, people will love you for your ads and need to earn money!”. There is a large vat of boiling oil. Feel free to “Dunk a Dork” at some point during the night. They are not allowed to make a speech based on the fact the other tables are not allowed to bring weapons in to the venue to put them out of their misery.
The “main” table will be the “Be A Better Blogger” table. Or the “Arsewits” should there full name take too long to say. They have a set response to any request for information from other groups on there blog. General conversation on this table can be shortened down to “Oh Hello. Ctrl-C…Ctrl-V” and everyone on the table will laugh. There is no In-Joke here, it is that they all say the same goddamn thing over and over and over and over and… They will also want to make a speech at the event. It will not be done by 1 person on the table. Instead they will all stand in unison and say exactly the same thing. No one will listen. We have heard it a thousand times before. Change the record for christ sake.
Talking of changing the record. We need to have a word with those on table 14. The “Panpipe” brigade. What single part of your misfiring synapses has any reason to think we want to hear some shite like Cher’s greatest hits done to panpipes? Hell, I don’t want to hear Cher. <– you should note the full stop and say that out loud when you read it. But Panpipes??? And the auto loading panpipes on your site which seem to start playing full pelt at least 20 seconds before the player window draws, so potential site readers end up with severe vomiting from hearing Cher’s Do you believe in life after love. It is likely that this group will be removed from the event by every other group there. If not, they will be subjected to a musical selection of our choice which they hate. The “off button” for the music on their table is located in a pit of hungry poisonous snakes on the table next to them.
It would be wrong to not mention the “Good Guys”. People like you and me. Who just want to write a blog, get readers, not plaster ads everywhere and enjoy the experience. Come sit on our table people. The fun starts here. Lets just chill out, make s’mores and put the world to rights! Now. Where is the beer?
A table of Sci/fi freaks to include but not limited to fans of the following Firefly, Star Wars, Star Trek, Stargate SG1, Babylon 5, Battle Star Galactica, Isaac Asimov and others. As they step up to the podium each one spends 3 hours explaining why their Sci/fi obsession is better than the rest complete with a power point presentation pointing out scientific flaws of all other Sci/fi and omitting any scientific errors from their favorite.
One table would have both religious bloggers and atheists together just for fun. There could be blood shed at this table as the atheists continually insult and laugh at the believers. The believers at some point will invoke a crusade, jihad, and an exorcism all at once. The different faiths will come together to take down a common enemy. Those poor buggers never stood a chance.
It is also worth noting that there are people who are in no way invited to the event. Any worthless Chunk o’ Crap socialite with a name like a city in Western Europe is automatically banned. Should one turn up, remember there is a large vat of boiling oil. I do not recommend eating a Deep Fried Paris bar though. You can still catch something very nasty from a not fully cooked socialite bar. Others include any other A, B, C, D…Z list celebrities that think we have any urge in the world to listen to them or give them some “Celeb Love”. You aren’t important. In fact, there are some VERY good blogs out there that have a sole aim to rip you apart.
So there you have it. I am sure you will agree that this is an event not to be missed!
Well. As you can see, that was different. A little contraversial. A little honest and a lot of fun to write.
Coming in the 101st post: I haven’t got a scooby. I haven’t even thought about it! I am about to start 2 weeks of complete an utter decoration. I plan to get the whole house done in the 2 weeks so I may not be about after tomorrow for a while. Or I might be. That’s the crazy thing isn’t it. You won’t know until I do it! Oh, and in other news, if I was to start a weekly email with some other stuff (content not yet decided) in it, would you subscribe? No? Thanks…
wheelturninghamsterdead.com 