Before I start this post, I thought I would mention that in the last week, I have had at least 3 searches a day for people searching for Hamster Porn. WHY!!! Why are people searching for it? Look for normal porn if you need to search for something! Or….do Hamsters have their own PC’s now? I hadn’t thought of that. I feel dirty now, knowing that a hamster found my site while looking for something other then what I have on the site.
Anyhoo…
I somehow in the midst of doing stuff, completely missed the 4 words/phrases Rose gave me to write a post with. My laptop apologises in a way not seen since last time I messed up. Now. Rose has gone the mad dead investigative hamster route on this one. Well, actually, she gave me “Breeding hamsters”, “hamster making squeaking noise”, “Elvis ain’t dead” and “mad cow investigator” to work with. Which basically means she needs to get out more. And not just to the therapy sessions.
So. Armed with my thinking juice, which at this present time is called Jura 10 year whisky, I present to you the story of…erm…well, I dunno. I havent decided:
“I have a dream”. This well known phrase was said by the same person who said “It’s not easy being green”. The poor guy. He had a dream to not be green. But could it be done? Actually, yes it could. It was the breakthrough case of Hammy “Hamster” Hutchinson. Hammy is a P.I from Pratts Bottom in Kent. After this successful investigation, he was in big demand from a whole bunch of freakazoids wishing for him to look in to pointless stupid tasks. But that was Hammy, and what he loved to do. So he did. Which was nice of him.
Hammy was currently working on a big case. Someone wanting to know if Elvis was really dead. While in his office doing some paperwork, a mysterious woman came in to the office. What was mysterious about her? I hear you ask. Well, he didnt know who she was. That is a pretty good start. And she walked in a very weird way, with an unusual look on her face. Something seemed different.
“Mr Hutchinson?” the woman said.
“Indeed I am!” Hammy replied, rising from his chair to shake her hand.
“I apologise for my weird walk, my heel broke walking up the stairs”. This went some way to explaining the Quasimodo walk she had going on. It didn’t explain the dribbling and lazy eye.
Hammy asked her what he could do for her and she replied “I need to know if I have Mad Cow Disease”.
“Weird” thought Hammy. Why doesn’t the mad cow just go to the hospital. “I cannot accept this case I am afraid. I am not knowledgeable in mad cow disease. I apologise.” The woman stared at him, her lazy eye twitching and eyes following a fly around the room twitching. She got up and hobbled out of the room dribbling on the floor as she went.
Continuing his investigation in to Elvis, Hammy visited Amsterdam. He had heard of an impressionist there who just seemed a little better then all the other Elvis impersonator. To save money, Hammy hired out a cheap hotel room. Trying to get a good nights sleep before the investigating the following morning, Hammy was disturbed to hear a couple in the room next door. The bed frame banging against the wall resembled a rabid hamster making a squeaking noise like it was his last run on his wheel and he was giving it beans the best he could. Hammy wasn’t happy, but what did he expect for a room he paid for in 30 minute slots. So, putting some loose change in to the machine by the side of the bed, he decided to play with his new Dictaphone and did some notes, not realising with the vibration of the bed, he would be better listening to the playback while under water.
Come the morning, Hammy got up and skipping breakfast, he went to the cafe where the Elvis impersonator was said to be working.
“I am hungry” thought Hammy as he got to the cafe. But being a vegematarian (Sy: Yes I know how to spell it, but I like this way more!), all Hammy could find to eat were packs of mushrooms. This seemed weird to Hammy. Why would they sell packs of mushrooms but not much else. What kind of a cafe was this he was in? So he ate a few packs to keep him going. Naturally, eating these mushrooms did a lot more then feed his hunger and shortly after, he was seeing a lot more. Suddenly in his drugged up state, people seemed to be wearing lederhosen and clogs and everything was a pretty yellow daffodil colour.
Then, the music started. “Are you lonesome tonight” he heard. Hammy shouted out “Your rubbish! Get off the stage!” to which the Elvis impersonator replied “Thank you very much. Goodnight”, and Hammy was immediately ejected from the cafe. Walking around trying to get some clarity back as to what had gotten in to him, he walked in to a bar.
The barman in this bar spoke constantly in an Elvis voice, so being a P.I, Hammy decided to question him.
“So why the Elvis impression?” Hammy opened with. Followed by “I have to say, I don’t think you are that good…”
Stuffing a burger in to his mouth, the barman replied “Don’t criticize what you don’t understand, son. You never walked in this man’s shoes.” (Yeah OK, I googled famous Elvis quotes. Originally I typed it wrong and searched for famous Elves quotes. But why on earth would I know quotes by Elvis anyway?)
Hammy asked him why he decided to become an Elvis barman. The barman explained that he used to spend his time breeding hamsters, but as they are pretty good at doing that on their own without the need of his interaction he gave up. Hammy was confused what kind of interaction he would need to breed hamsters and figured his surfing history could be a touch interesting…if not illegal in most countries.
After investigating a few more impersonators, he went home and reported back to his client.
“Sir. My report on why I know Elvis ain’t dead. It is obvious all the time people cannot accept that he ate so many burgers that his stomach exploded, and they hero worship him hoping he will come back in his spaceship, it is impossible that he can be dead. Obviously he IS dead, but he just isn’t.”
“Thank you for your report. Now, if I as bold as to ask you to do another job for me. I need you to investigate my wife. She has a lazy eye and dribbles a lot” said the man. “Sir, your wife has already approached me and I have already told her that I am not a mad cow investigator. Good day to you” and Hammy walked out ready to search his next case. A case of a man who thought he was in a position of great power like his Dad used to be, but was in fact a complete idiot.
Yeah. Not my best work. Had a little writers block doing this on. So. I am out of words. Does anyone wish to offer up any new ones?
wheelturninghamsterdead.com 