Toxie. An avengers tale.

Don’t forget to vote once a day!  If I lose, I will not win!

Jim likes to give me words which are just plain hard to write about.  Why?  Because he wants to beat me.  And I think this time he might.  He has given me the words  “Verisimilitude”, “Travesty, sham, mockery = Traveshamockery” and “The Toxic Avenger aka Toxie”.  Yes really.  I am not even sure he knows what verisimilitude means!  I was thinking of asking Jeeves just to confirm that I knew, and then I thought “nah.  That is stupid.  It is a dance which the wombles do.  Everyone knows that”.

Anyway, thanks for this Jim.  And I really really don’t mean it!  But hell, lets give it a go.  And if I think it is rubbish, it may just never see the light of day!  OK then. 

As a child, Toxie had the odd issue with his bowels.  When I say odd issue, I mean he had the nickname of “Mr Windy”, “Toxie McFlatulent” and “Geez man, you stink!” amongst many others.  The kids would all laugh at him and call him names.  He couldn’t get a girlfriend because of his pungent smell and non vocal noises, and was unable to get his first girlfriend until he found a cure when he was 24 years old.   The cure was to stop eating nothing but broccoli and sprouts for breakfast, lunch and dinner.

Toxie wanted revenge.  To avenge those who had caused him the mental anguish as a child.  The travesty he had suffered as a child ran deep in Toxie.   He designed himself an elaborately stupid looking costume and called himself “The Toxic Avenger”.  He then hunted down each of those he went to school with.  One by one he would force feed them the foods he ate as a child.  He would then sit there with a gas mask on and point and laugh at them as they sat there with their turgid bowels firing on all cylinders.

The police were called in and the SPS (Specialists in Pungent Smells) division took over the case.  The lead on the case was Dr Olfaction (Ahhh yes.  The joys of a thesaurus!) who had experience in dealing with this kind of case, as he too had been taunted as a child over his abuse of eating too many radishes.

He put together a briefing pack for the other officers:

My fellow officers, we are looking for a man who had been made a mockery of his entire life.  A man who suffered travesty at the highest level and had people make a sham of his younger years.  This man is technically a candidate for suffering from the little known Traveshamockery disorder.   But his Traceshamockery lacks verisimilitude for he attacks those who attacked him.  This puts him in the same league as his attackers, and he must be stopped.  All we know is that he wears a lime green lycra outfit and has a blonde crazy flock of seagulls haircut.  He no longer resembles the images of his school years as the torment has driven him to squeaky insanity.  Approach him with care, as you too could earn the fate of his prey should he see you as one of them.

They then set an elaborate trap for Toxie by setting up a school reunion, knowing this would drive him out in the open as he could get so many of his foes at once.  They laid on a lavish buffet of broccoli and sprouts, knowing that Toxie would have to succumb to their gassy goodness, and a lot of nibbles for the other guests.

But Toxie had other plans and hijacked the delivery of nibbles for the other members of the party and soaked them in farting powder.   He waited until everyone had dipped in to the nibbles, and then he locked all the doors and closed all the windows, nailing them shut from the outside and stopped all the extractor fans.   Over a tannoy system, he spoke to his prisoners and told them the only food they would ever eat would be what he supplied. 

When the room full of victims was finally found some weeks later, it was labelled as having a half life of 500 years and a 10 mile exclusion zone was set up around the building.  The people in the room were left to spend the rest of their time in their group unable to leave due to the smell, and that opening the building would put a larger then large hole in the ozone layer.

Toxie blended back in to society, and hired out his services to other poor unfortunates who had been victimised as children.  He called himself The A Team, as no one had ever thought of a name like that.

So there you have it.  Why not to be a vegetarian.  Or to eat farting powder.

(This story was written about gaseous discharge as a welcome back to Kelly, my furting friend who was around in the early days of this blog, and then went and did some work stuff, but has reappeared.)