You have voted today right?
I am an artist. And as an artist, I like to work in the quiet with a blank canvas. In the case of this post, my blank canvas is watching the TV which has a film about cheerleaders on it. Dont expect much from this post OK? Because…well…my head is in a VERY different place then writing a post. I am also at work so the only thing blank is my head.
The cheerleader stuff was of course said in jest Mrs Sy. Please dont divorce me. Or hit me. Light spanking you say? Ummm… I will get back to you. On the internet isn’t the place to have this chat OK?
Anyway. It has been all stories recently, so I figure that as I am out of words from you people, I wont write one. Feel free to supply some in the comments. And easy words people. I am not that clever you know. Antidisestablimentarianism and Verisimilitude were interesting to write about, but they have more then 1 syllable which means my knee twitches. Actually, on the stories front, how about taking it up a notch. Maybe supply the words and what you want it to be about. This may not work out too well because I know some of you try to make it very hard for me! But it might be worth a try.
Anyway, lets get on with the post.
I am thinking of insuring my mind for £1Million. Why? because I am obviously a genius. I have a mind which is the focus of jealousy for millions of people worldwide. I was originally going to insure my looks. But then I realise a face like mine is uninsurable and I need more then plastic surgery, unlike THISfine specimen of a woman who is paying £200 a year for insurance incase she loses her looks. Loses? But surely you have to …no. Lets not be rude. OK, look. She is no Angelina Jolie. Hell, she isn’t even a Professor Moriarty!
So what is it with people spending a fortune on policies which are frankly stupid? For instance:
Dolly Parton insured her impossibly crazy looking breasts for $600,000. Why? I mean, she has sooooo much more going for her; right? Oh.
Bette Davis had a $28,000 policy against weight gain. This one is genius. I am going to insure myself on Monday morning for £10Million. And then Monday afternoon, you will KNOW who ate all the pies. Then I shall cash in my insurance policy. I wont lie to you on this. You wont see my for dust. Unless you happen to see a very happy fat man bouncing down the road. That’ll be me.
But lets not forget the transvestite performer called Poh who insured his/her breasts for $500,000 because the implants could have exploded on a flight he/she was going on. I believe after his/her career went to pot, he/she became a teletubby. Not sure if he/she became Tinky Winky, Dispy, La la or Po though. Could have been any of them!
Lets go upmarket a little. Lloyds of London insured a winemaker for £3.9M in case he lost his sense of smell. I have no sense of taste. No really, you should see how I dress. I wonder if I can insure myself against getting dress sense?
So will they insure anything? Nope. Poor Mr Methane, who does popular songs such as Twinkle Twinkle Little Star via the power of, well, you think about his name, was refused insurance against the loss of his naturally produced gas. Now tell me this. When was the last time you had issues because you COULDN’T pass wind?
If you could get something on your body insured, what would it be? As for me, I am off to get exploding fake breasts, eat a lot of pies and get drunk on wine. After that, I will be putting on a show. Bring a gas mask.
wheelturninghamsterdead.com 