With the impending arrival in a few months of the end of the world for you mere mortals (those of you who vote for me will be spared at the time of the ascension), I have had the need to do that decorating thing for the nursery of the fruit of my loins. Going to all the goth shops for various gargoyles and other pretty decor such as dragons, skulls and spell books for her room has been much fun. I just really hate decorating. I am an IT dude. Not a DIY guy. But today I hit a heady peak. I went to “The man store”. You know the one. It has man stuff. OK, so it isn’t called The Man Store (but it should be as that is an awesome name for a store), actually it is called B&Q. What does that stand for? Well they don’t even know. That is why to get to their website you go to www.diy.co.uk. Why don’t they just rename there company to that? B&Q?? Breaks & Quickly? I dunno.
But I digress.
I walked in and the light shines and that spooky church music starts as I walk down the aisles as angels surround me showing me man goodies. Hammers! Ahhh…everyone loves a hammer. I can hammer stuff. *whack whack*. The noise alone beings a smile to my face. But I don’t need a hammer. I actually already have a hammer. But this is a new hammer. I could walk around the house with it and smash stuff that didn’t need smashing. Then I got to the saws. I have a cabinet I am throwing away. I could saw it! Actually, I could hammer it half to death and THEN saw it. See? I need a hammer! And a saw! But I already have a saw.
POWERDRILLS! Yes…EVERYONE needs a power-drill. But I have one. And I have nothing to drill. And then I got to the tool belts which would hold so many of these supercool toys that I want to buy. I don’t have a tool belt. Should I get a tool belt? Outside of the “You are an arse” comments my wife would make, safe in the knowledge that she is right and I shouldn’t touch tools, I do think I would look quite cool in it.
So why did I go to the shop? Paint. That’s it. I didn’t get to smash or saw anything. I got to plaster and paint. Where is the fun? WHERE PEOPLE? I have a need to enjoy this decorating malarkey. And it isn’t fun. I sweat. I spend days getting the wallpaper off, prepping the walls, and then I have to lay the flooring. And then I have to clean up the mess. I don’t get to smash up a single thing.
I was going somewhere with this. What was it.. Oh yeah. The sweating. After doing much man work, I sweat like a big fat sweaty thing in a very warm room. It is not pleasant. So imagine my horror when I heard that in the 1950’s, the British government were so worried about the possibility of the tea situation being very serious should an H-Bomb go off. And then I go to thinking how much the lack of tea would hurt my Mum. The woman’s bladder is never below 3 gallons of the stuff. My childhood memories were of Mum and a cup of tea. That is the extent of my memories. Yeah, there were times we were on a roller coaster and stuff, but she always had tea in her hands. “Mum, I just lost a hand!” “Lets have a nice cup of tea and have a look shall we”. It was her answer to everything. “Mum, can I make you a cup of tea?” “Lets have a cup of tea and decide shall we!”
But back to the stuff not being available. Several years ago I got thinking about this exact issue. What if Diet Coke or Beer was suddenly unavailable? Yeah, that is something I was not willing to think about. So I started a petition against bombing the UK. I was pretty sure that Osama would be willing to sign this, as we all know he likes a beer. But then I figured that you cant count on anything or anyone in the long run. What about natural disasters. You know, really bad life altering ones like the really bad looks I was given at birth. No one should go through that. So I started hoarding coke and beer. But where to put it? So I built an ingenious storage device that if in future riots broke out and lawlessness took over in this area (well, more then is already here…the thieving little scum), I would be happy knowing it is in a safe place. You can build one too. Have a look at the schematic below, and one day you will thank me. (It is worth noting that the area can also be used to store food under the right circumstances.
I should also note that it comes with it’s own inbuilt cooling device whereas it will secrete water when it overheats. It also has a pungent smell to stop people trying to steal the beer and coke.
I don’t know about you, but I am getting the serious munchies. Extra large fatty kebab anyone? What’s the worst that can happen? Oh, damn. Is that line copyright Dr Pepper? Well, SUE ME! What’s the worst that can happen huh!
wheelturninghamsterdead.com 