I once had a friend. But that friend betrayed me. But it is OK, because I didn’t let on that I wanted revenge of his betrayal, and as they say, revenge is a dish best served with a woman who is a little “off” in the head, and smells of fly-spray.
Not many people I know are a little “off” in the head, although I know a lot of people who smell of fly-spray. So you can imagine how I felt when an esteemed beggar of votes for the same site that I am begging for votes from, introduced me to exactly the freak I wanted to set my friend up with.
I cannot tell you the heinous crime that my friend Simondo committed. All I can tell you is that I now have a limp and have the perpetual smell of Old Spice permeating from me. Sometimes it stings. Sometimes it tingles. But that is irrelevant. Here is a view of accounts on the events leading up to now:
“SY! You arse! You changed my ringtone to The Nolan Sisters again didn’t you. It took me forever to get Barbie Girl on there, and now it is gone. Thanks a million!” Simondo shouted to Sy, his housemate.
Sy, laying in bed fresh from the alcohol free beer he sneaked in to the Stella Artois bottles from the night before laughed at the thought. “Now. I must get up and VOTE! for for this site.” he thought.
In the other room, Simondo was feeling as if someone had inserted an industrial quantity of magic mushrooms in his behind. Stroking his Ted Bundy tattoo for luck, he got up ready to face the day. The day he was going to meet who he thought was his dream girl. The girl of his dreams, or so he thought, that Sy had set him up with. Maybe “set up” was the right phrase.
All Simondo knew of Hortense was that which Sy had told him. This was that she was in to leather, was a genius and had a habit of wearing only the very best perfumes.
Simondo got ready for his date. He wanted to be ready. Although not one to rush in on a first date, he had a feeling that this was going to be something special.
“Good luck skip, and I mean that very very sincerely” Sy said as Simondo walked out of the house on the way to the restaurant to meet Hortense. “Thanks dude. It is alllll good. Don’t wait up!” Simondo shouted as he slammed the door shut. Simondo had gone all out for this date. He had a back crack and sack wax earlier in the day which was starting to itch with his lycra underwear, but he was not going to be put off. This date was “The One”.
At “The Best Kebabs in Town” restaurant where Simondo had arranged to meet Hortense, he sat with anticipation. In walked a stunningly beautiful young woman. “Is this her?” he thought. Nope. The young ladies boyfriend followed shortly after. Hortense was running late. Simondo was starting to fear the worst. But then, wearing a yellow plaid skirt, an off lime green coloured coat and cornrows in her pink hair, Hortense walked in. “Holy crap! How big are her feet!” Simondo wondered as he checked for an Adams Apple. She had been given a photo by her friend Mob. Mob was a nice enough girl. A little misguided, but then when your upbringing consisted of toasted olive sandwiches covered in own brand peanut butter and babycham for every meal, it was always going to have an effect on her later in life.
“Schlymondo?” Hortense spoke towards Simondo. Wiping the spit from his brow, and trying not to look horrified Simondo replied back. “Hortense? My, you look gorgeous. More then I could ever imagine.” As he said this, he was trying to work out what was that smell. Has she been drinking Riesling? Whatever it is, it is not pretty. “Hang on…fly-spray??? She is wearing fly-spray??”
Hortense sat down and they started talking. Simondo, scared of being covered in spit spoke as much as he could. But either way, whatever it was that nature had against Simondo was still going to have to talk. “I am gonna kill Sy for this” he thought to himself.
“So. Hortense. I hear you have some tattoos. What do you have?” Simondo asked.
“Ohhh.. I hash a Sharles Manshon one on me beshind” Hortense replied while Simondo stared at the hairy wart on her chin which Simondo swore was sending out subliminal messaging to him.
Charles Manson? Ah man. What is wrong with this woman! Should I tell her of my Ted Bundy tattoo? No, I can’t. We would have something in common. Simondo thought.
While Hortense wiled away the night with stories of her great adventures, none of which sounded right, Simondo noticed that she had something inbetween her teeth. “Would it embarrass her if I told her?” he thought, before realising that he couldn’t look at it anymore. Most of her large donner kebab and can of 7-up was attaching itself to it.
“Sorry, I dont wish to embarass you, but you have something between your teeth” Simondo said.
“ohhh…Schorry, that wasss where I shewed through my reshtraints earlier.” Hortense replied.
“Holy mother of all things evil. What the freakin goddamn hell have I been set up with?” Simondo pondered.
Simondo did the gentlemanly thing and put up with her spitting on him all night and at the end of the night, they parted ways. “It was a pleasure Hortense.” Simondo lied though his teeth. “Yesh, I had a wondershul time. Shank you” Hortense replied as she leaned over to Simondo and attached her mouth to his. It was like a dyson on extra suction. Simondo thought he may have lost a kidney in the fluidy exchange. Begging to exchange numbers, Hortense grabbed his phone and rang herself. “I hash your number now. I shwill call you” she said as she limped off in to the night. Her left leg 3/4 the length of her right.
On parting ways, Simondo ran home as fast as he could to get to his listerine mouthwash and to have a chat with Sy. On getting home, Simondo found Sy laughing his head off. “She had breath like cat crap!” Simondo said as he looked bewildered at Sy.
“And she has my number! What do I do? God I hate you so much!” he said, punching Sy on the arm.
And that my friends is the story so far. Just where will it end? Will it end? Will there be another date? What even started this post? Well, I could answer your questions, but I will let the writer of part 1 post a link. She needs the advertising you see.
Oh, and remember…VOTE!!!
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