This post is part 3 (or is it 4?) of an ongoing story between two sites. This is how it started:
A comment conversation started HERE after a comment a friend of mine left on the voting site. Have you voted for me today? I hope so! Then, THIS story appeared on her site. Naturally, I replied with a post HERE which ended in THIS reply. This post is my reply.
Waking up and slowly remembering the night before which resulted in his date chewing on his kidney, Simondo recalled the horror of the date. Laughing to himself at how bad it had been, he climbed out of bed and wandered downstairs for a hangover reducing fry up.
Sy was already up and and was sat reading some of the better blogs on the net. His current favourite, “Albino Midgets fly paper airplanes” had just done a new post which Sy found most intriguing.
“So how did it go then?” Sy said, a wry smile appearing on his face.
“Yeah, you are real funny Sy.” said Simondo. “Stumpy has some serious issues and I wasn’t sure I was going to make it out alive.”
“So come on then, give me the details!” Sy replied.
Simondo proceeded to tell Sy of the night.
“In the space of 2 hours, she managed to pop out my glass eye, she sucked my kidney out with a goodnight kiss she forced on me, and I am pretty sure she went back to the nut house she had escaped from. I also forgot to wear my mittens, so I am sure she saw my missing thumb and index finger.”
Simondo had lost his thumb and index finger in a freak accident which included a refreshing shandy made by hand, some rope and a book on asphyxiation. He had also lost an eye in the same accident while falling on a rogue wotsit which had fallen out of the packet a few days before and was now rock hard and embedded in the floor. His eye had been replaced with a glass one instead of an eye patch as he had a phobia of pirates. Yarrrrchnaphobia had plagued Simondo his entire life, so seeing someone on a blind date who needed a peg leg to straighten her out was playing on Simondo’s mind.
“I also had too many baked beans for lunch, and that bowl of muesli caused me many issues. After she arrived, I realised that her fashion ‘sense’ was based on some early dodgy Madonna B-Movie stageshow, and her pointy freaky bra took my eye out. On looking for it, I completely lost my lunch and I think by the time I had finished, even the kebabs were liquefied on the spit.” Simondo reported about of the date. “Oh, and when she spoke…I got a shower. It was like watching someone having a fit at one point. It wasn’t pretty…but then, nor was she. But luckily, I think she had bathed in a bottle of Brut aftershave, so at least she didn’t smell as bad as she could have done. Not that I like my women to bathe in Men’s products! I think she somewhat enjoyed it a little more than she should have though, as on returning from the bathroom, all I could see was this horrific pink hair moving up and down as she licked her armpits. You know how a dog enjoys himself a little too much sometimes? Yeah. You get the idea!” Simondo finished off with.
“Interesting! It sounds like she is a real looker!” Sy replied.
Laughing at the hell he had gone through, Simondo came back to Sy. “Ah man, you know what? I spoke about farting for ages. You know? The ‘leave me alone I can’t stand you and want you to hate me’ type talk? She loved it. She loved it a little too much.”
“So how did the night end? Obviously you didn’t bring her home!”
“Dude…don’t even go there. She only pole danced on a damn lamp post in front of everyone walking home at chucking out time. Can you believe this? As she did it, all I could smell was fava beans. FAVA BEANS SY!”
“You, Simondo, are a very lucky man. You can buy me a crate of beers as a thankyou.” The crate of beers was the standard thankyou the guys had between each other.
“Screw off!” replied Simondo and he finished his breakfast and went for a nap.
Several hours later, Simondo’s phone rang. An unknown number appeared on the screen. Raising his head, he answered the phone.
“Talk to me. Don’t hold back, that’s the style I like!” Simondo answered the phone with. A short silence was followed by “Hi, this is Templeton Psychiatric Hospital. I have a call for you. Please hold”. The words sent a chill down his spine. He didn’t know anyone who would be in there and this was obviously a wrong number he thought.
“Shlymondo? It ish me. Hortensh” the voice said. “I had an amashhing night lasht night.”
“Oh crap!” Simondo thought. But as the conversation continued, something clicked. Some strange bond started to form between them.
The calls started to happen every night, and then the strangest thing happened.
“Horty, I am getting you out of there and we are going to run away together” Simondo said.
“My shweet shweet Mondy. Yesh. Come shave me from thish shell” Hortense replied, leaving Simondo curious as to why Hortense would want to be shaved with a shell. But it was agreed. Simondo arranged to break her out and the plan was made. During the last phone call, the plan was confirmed.
“Horty my love. We are going to France. I know just the place where I have a friend called Debs who will look after us and give us shelter. She unfortunately smells of cabbage due to a vegetarian diet she is on, but I have some nose guards for us and I figure we can get some horse tranquilizer from her husband and put her in a deep sleep if she gets too stinky. OK my love, I will see you tomorrow.”
And with that, Simondo packed his bag and the tools to break Hortense out.
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