If you haven’t followed the story, this wont mean a thing to you. You can catch up starting with THIS story by MOB followed by my story HERE which ended in THISreply. This is the next story in this…erm…I dunno. What can you call it? Insanity?
Saying their goodbye’s, Hortense and MOB part ways. The emotional scene only shorterned by MOB making a noise like a startled giraffe for no apparent reason followed by shouting of “Squip Diddle doo dum dum. I am called MOB and you can see my BUM!” and she danced around the room using her pillow case to make her look like a Nun. Hortense thinking that she was always nuttier then squirrel shit, made her way out of the secret tunnel somewhat bemused.
Meeting outside of the escape hatch at the penitentiary, Simondo tells Hortense of their escape plan. The plan is to escape to France and meet up with Hortense cousin Debs. Because they need to escape unseen, Simondo had enlisted the help of “dodgy” Dave Doodle. Dave Doodle was a people smuggler who did the honourable thing of getting people out of the current mess that was known as England. But Dave Doodle was not called “dodgy” for nothing. Everything had a price, and dodgy would want more then just money. In this case, he wanted to transport some frogs legs to France. Being a legs mule was something dodgy made all his transporters do. It is where he made the mules hide the legs was the issue. Often, if caught by customs at the border, they border guard would offer them a cream to get rid of their “issue”. Knowing that there are more then enough frogs legs in France, it is thought that he only did this for strange perverted kicks.
Upon “packing” their frogslegs, Dave Doodle bundled them in to a cargo container and off they went aboard the Eurostar. The 2 hour journey should fly by, but when trapped in a container with a woman with severe flatulence problems, which with the added smell of raw frogs legs, made for a less then interesting smell.
Upon entering France, the container was opened. The authorities were immediately alerted to a higher then usual radioactivity level in the area, and the relevant authorities raced to the scene, all dressed in weird anti-radiation suits. Horty and ‘mondo ran in to the nearby forest and the police sent in sniffer dogs to find them. The sniffer dogs promptly vomited at the smell and collapsed. Horty and ‘Mondo had made their escape.
Neither speaking French, finding Castle a’la Debs was going to be a problem. Knowing only that the place she lived in sounded like a disease only a badger would get on it’s privates, they stole a map and made their way, only stopping for breaks of semi cooked frogs legs, cooked by the naked flame of his zippo lighter.
“I have found ScratchyBadgeyitus.” Simondo said excitedly. “Soon we will see your cousin and we can get you out of those clothes before they dissolve from the smell!”
“Schimondo…you arsh my shero” Hortense said to Simondo. “Schoon we shwill be wish Debsh and can shtart our life togesher.”
Wiping the spit from his brow and holding his breath as he stood downwind, Simondo smiled, and tried not to vomit from the smell now permeating from Horetense which resembled something almost as fowl as that which has come out of my cats behind recently. He could feel his nose starting to bleed.
Finally reaching ScratchyBadgeyitus and Castle a’la Debs, Horty ran towards Debs, who stood in a field wearing a most fetching pair of Jodhpurs. They were checkered with faces drawn on them. Had she been somewhat bigger, the faces would have looked stretched uncomfortable images which Simondo thought would probably look like deranged muppets which never made it out of Jim Hensons workshop.
“Animal Hungry” Simondo said to Debs on meeting her; trying to be like a muppet, but not realising people cant hear his thoughts. This was also a very lucky thing as Simondo often wondered what it would be like to be smeared in Brie and baked for 15 minutes and then his privates eaten with a nice glass of red wine. Debs started to wonder who the hell he was and why they were here. But happy to see Hortense, she took her inside for a bath and to get her in to clothes that were still in one piece.
Hortense explained the situation and agreed that they could stay for a while.
wheelturninghamsterdead.com 