Before I do this post, I would like to draw your attention to something my wife said last night. “I haven’t tossed, so go in from the bottom”. So many connotations. Luckily in this instance she was talking salads.
***Warning: This post is not suitable for anyone who isn’t getting “any” at the moment. It should also not be viewed by those of a jealous nature. And if you live in Antarctica….you lucky lucky lucky….ugh.***
I need a new job. Don’t get me wrong, I get satisfaction from my job. Seeing that smiling user as they realise the PC or server is now working and they can do their job brings much happiness to my face. When they have a face like thunder and bitch and moan incessantly…well, yeah, screw off.
But there has to be a job with more satisfaction. So I am going to try out a few and see how I get on.
My first is bed tester. What is not to like? A big comfy bed to sleep in as part of your job? That sounds like heaven to me. I like sleep. I like beds. Getting paid to sleep is a dream of mine.
My second is alcoholic beverage taster. Unless you are of the “I dont touch a drop” disposition, this is the ideal job. Actually, if you are indeed of the not drinking type, you can also come along. Someone needs to get me home after a hard days testing after all. At that point you can point me towards my first job, and I can test that bed.
My third job. Ohhh I HAVE to get this job. It is to be a scientist in Antarctica. No really. They just had a shipment of 16500 condoms delivered to tie them over until daylight returns. Sadly, day light does not return for the 125 strong staff until August 20th when the first sunrise occurs. Hang on. Today is the 11th June. So that is…take away the 4, times by the 22, count every appendage, wash my hands….ummm…about 77 days away. I am assuming there is a fair balance here, so say 62 men, 62 women and 1 very confused person at the station. So I work out that each man uses 3 condoms a day. THREE! EVERY SINGLE DAY! for 77 DAYS! What the hell are they doing “scientifically” up there? And when can I join? Oh, and they are free of charge to save the “embarrassment” of having to buy them! The amount of men is of course a conservative guess. There could be even less men, but the thought of that is giving me palpitations. Talk about a lot of fish in the sea!
According to the news story, they are “involved in scientific programmes and experiments in fields including marine biology, geology and meteorology.” Oh of course they are. It is a damn orgy. That is what it is. Damn them and their perpetual smiles.
So I am thinking. I can combine the whole lot here. I mean, for most youths on a Saturday night in England, this is exactly what they do, but they don’t get paid for it. They go out, get drunk, find a drunken girl who is drunk enough to not care for his spotty complexion and voice like Michael Jackson on helium, and get her in to bed. Then the next morning, they smell like something that has a distinct odour of a marine biology experiment and realise that she is seeing what he looks like and is whipping up a storm.
What would your ideal job be? You cant have my three. I got there first.
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