Things I have found out from recent Antenatal classes, when me, a man (honest!) got to sit in a room full of hormonal women, and got really scared.
After the birth, whenever my wife sits down, do not talk to her about anything she needs to know for at least 3 minutes, as it is highly likely she will be doing her Pelvic Floor Muscle exercises. She wont be listening to me, she will instead be clenching things and counting how many, and slooowly release, and then tightening, and repeat. I will be using this time to talk about football, work and asking how her Pelvic Floor Muscle exercises are going, as she wont be listening to me. (The more I think about this, the more I think she may have been doing these exercises since we met…)
Women are always expecting it to be a couple of inches bigger then what you give them in everything in life. It seems that Cosmopolitan even tells women how big an epidural needles size should be. “ooohh…I was expecting a lot more!” one woman said. And then a few years later, it was echoed in an antenatal class. Oh cruel world, why do you hate me so. I didn’t even know the woman. Have all my ex’s been talking about me? I googled “Sy’s tiny penis”, but all I found was a story about Wall Street becoming a Linux Stronghold. Really!
I should wear a nice light cotton shirt during the birth. This is because it gets warm in there and I may be there some time. Oh yeah, for sure. That was written by a bitter woman if anything ever was. Well, toooooo bad. I got my full armour body suit already ordered. I have gone for the deluxe model which has an open crotch (because it can get warm down there you know!), and has a sensor, which means every time wifey reaches for my MummyDaddy department, a shutter will come down and stop any Michael Jackson on Helium voices I may acquire from her grabbing a handful of my goodies.
I am not allowed to faint. But my wife wants me to watch the birth, and if my body armour crotch protector fails, she may well have her way. I have fond memories which I like to think about when I am alone. I am not sure how much my memories will be tainted by seeing this. I am going to take in a camera, and take photos and look later. When I am sitting down. And alone. And can’t be pointed and laughed at and called a wimp when I say “Ohhh….nooo….no not there…but that is….I miss you. *sniff*”
Are any of you in PR? I may have a story to tell. The story of a man who had his testicles reattached after the birth of his child. A time when a man cried for a good reason (his first child being born) and a bad reason (the removal of “the lads” from his body). The story of a woman who played “Hide the sausage” with her husband privates in a very less then erotic way. I am figuring that the UK is too small a market, so if you are in the States and are in PR, drop me a comment letting me know your prices. It is going to be a best seller. Don’t miss out now!
In fact, even if you aren’t in PR, just leave a comment saying hello! You can do it anonymously. Give a fake email address in the comments section. It is not like it gets used anyway (WordPress has it there by default for some really stupid reason), and would be good to hear from you all. Especially you.
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