*ring ring* Phone displays “Wifey Calling”. Actually, I started off with a blatant lie. My phone doesn’t go ring ring. It plays a song called On March the Saints by a band called DOWN. You should go listen to the track, and report back to me telling me how awesome I am for introducing that song to you. I am sure you can get a clip on the amazon website or something. I wont tell you the name of the album. Work for your money will you.
“Heeeello”, I say in a romantic sexual voice. Think Daffy Duck meets blender. It was 2am on a sleepy nightshift after all.
“Hey, it is me. Ummm…we have been burgled. You don’t have to come home, I am here with a load of firemen while we wait for the police to arrive.” she replies in a quite calm voice. Thinking back, it may have been more of a “I am here with a load of firemen. On my own. If only I wasn’t 8 months pregnant!!” kind of voice.
So my wife is alone with a bunch of firemen and telling me to not go home?
Shortly after, I drove home at the speed limit. I am not sure what countries speed limits I was following, but I am sure they exist. I mean, my wife is standing there with a load of firemen late at night on her own. A woman’s dream. we had just been burgled.
Sadly, this is actually a true story. She was indeed standing in the garden surrounded by firemen. Erm. I mean we had been burgled. Actually, even worse, it only happened 8 months ago, and was the content for the very first post on this site. I have been burgled twice in my life. Both in the last 8 months. Both by maybe the same people, who are incredibly stupid…as you will see.
Strangely, as per the very first post I wrote, there were a lot of similarities. I will list them in order of importance:
1 – They stole an empty bottle of whisky (it was in a box). It was standing next to an expensive bottle of whisky. I have determined this is due to anti-drinking campaigns being a success. And to make them look hard in front of their mates by saying “I drank a whole bottle and am still standing”.
2 – They stole an EMPTY bottle of whisky. Yeah, I know I said that for the 1st one, but holy hell. How stupid are people these days.
3 – No really. It was empty. They picked up an empty bottle next to lots of full ones and legged it. How brain numbingly stupid do you have to be? Sadly, about 15 years old, kind of reeeally stupid looking and have the future of an asthmatic ant entering the 100m dash. Nothing. Nada. Squit diddly going on in the head.
How do I know this? Well, I saw them leaving when I was doing the speed limit on the way home, and when I got home, an eyewitness told me what they looked like. Me, being able to count to an impressive 2, put 1 and 1 together. Sadly, part of my job is that I am not allowed a criminal record, so when I went after them, it was lucky I didn’t see them again. Your trusty site writer was not a bunny of the happy variety.
So anyway. Back to the firemen and my wife. “Oh. Why did you come home? I told you not to!” she said to me. Dressed in nothing but a black sexy negligee.
OK, so maybe that part didn’t happen (the being dressed in a negligee bit). But I could read her mind! I saw the look in her eyes! I knew exactly what she was thinking. I know this because I remember when the coachload of playboy bunnies broke down in front of my house, and I begged my wife to leave for the day to make space in the house for them to put their feet up, and being a warm day, I got the hose out and offered to help cool them down. I am of course sensible and not a pervert, so I offered them all white t-shirts to wear instead of getting their own clothes wet, or end up naked. See, I was doing a good deed. She had nothing but naughty thoughts with the firemen.
I don’t know who is worse. The inept burglar idiots, or my wife’s dirty DIRTY mind. You know, I am going to ring the playboy bunnies up and ask them to come round and help me decide. They were so helpful and insightful, and according to every single one of them, they want world peace.
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