These are the adventures of the Starship KnickerSurprise and it’s ongoing journey’s to seek out new life and civilisations in places that just no man should be made to go….
*start Sesame Street theme tune*
*stop Sesame Street theme tune as it is starting to annoy me*
Captains Log: Snorkdate 25,21,3,11. We are nearing the vicinity of the “Hillary Clinton’s Knickers (HCK)” region. The region is named after an uninhabited region in the Disgusty Cluster.
Captain Snoggle requests that the KnickerSurprise goes in to “Probe Mode”, and they enter the void. In the background, a sensor alerts them to a possible weapon. A sensor sweep of the area alerts them to a huge ping pong ball holding contraption. It seemed to be offline and a little rusty through a prolonged period of inactivity. Proceeding with caution, the KnickerSurprise continues it’s journey.
They decide to settle on a planet which they have decided to call Ouranos. It looked like a huge wart, but seemed capable of sustaining life. Of some kind. Obviously not human. It seemed to be a soft squishy planet. More like the puss filled boil on the anus of an excited dictator which is being given a good rub. (Oh come on, I am trying to get you in the zone here. It makes sense and gives you the vision of a squishy boil like planet which is ready to burst!)
Climbing out of the KnickerSurprise, Snoggle surveyed the ground. “It’s a damp wet environment which my handheld Skankometer device is telling me should not be touched as it could require medical attention” Snoggle said. His eyes starting to turn to watery mush from the permeating smell which resembled a festering vegetable which had spent too much time wondering what to wear to the prom and not enough time looking after personal hygiene.
Just then, he heard a sound in the distance. Running back up the ship ramp like a big screaming girl, Snoggle sent his Second Mate (his First Mate was having an invigorating bath of essential oils and dipping bread in the water to make a light mid-bath snack) Jaffer Snuggleworth, out to investigate. “Here, take my Uzi. If it moves, shoot it”, Snoggle ordered.
Snuggleworth was confused at this. Of course the gun was going to move! Did this mean he had to shoot himself? Was someone aboard the KnickerSurprise going to fire a SnuggleWinding missile at him? Snoggle had a history of saying stupid things. Many a time people would hear him in the toilet talking to an invisible person about the “captain’s log” and saying things like “Warp 5. ENGAGE!” as he pulled the chain. That, along with the words “Only Stephanie, the queen of the squirrels can help us now”. Although this was his “Guys, we are pretty much screwed on this one and there is nothing that can help us” phrase.
Armed with the Uzi, Snuggles’ wandered the area. He saw someone or something move and chased after it. His arms waving in the air like he just didn’t care and shouting “I’m a coooomin’ to get ya!” in a voice resembling that of a hardened smoker on helium. Chasing down the person, he asks him who he is.
“The name’s Shatner. William Shatner. But you can call me pumpkin” he replied. “No thanks, I will call you little Willy if that is OK” Snuggleworth replied.
It turned out that little Willy had been stranded on the planet many months ago after he got lost in his spaceship, because he really wasn’t a very good captain. Willy began to tell him about the planet.
“There are bad things here. The primitives are evil crab like creatures who will suck out your brains and then roast your legs and then pour orange sauce on them before devouring them.” said Willy.
“Sounds fun! I might stick about for dinner! I love roasted leg! Snuggleworth replied.
He also showed Snuggers a map he had created. On the map he could see a mysterious cave which he decided to check out. It looked like a dark cave, which little Willy had reported he had seen asteroids coming out of and huge loud rumbling noises and the air would fill with a stench. Snuggleworth made his way there.
On getting to the cave, he ventured in, but by now his torch was running low and he couldn’t see a thing. Snuggeleworth dug deep in his pocket and pulled out his trusty Swan Vesta matches.
“This’ll do the trick!” he said as he started to strike the match.
Unsurprisingly (being that this is already too long and I need to bring it to an end), there was a huge explosion and Snuggleworth, Willy and the Starship KnickerSurprise were destroyed.
Look, don’t blame me for this post. THIS PERSON gave me the words
“William Shatner, ping pong balls, Hilary Clinton’s knickers, and an Uzi submachine gun. Oh and a box of Swan Vesta matches. Anything about The Starship Knickersurprise”
to work with. What were you expecting? Shakespeare? Exactly.
wheelturninghamsterdead.com 