I read a ridiculous news story that says that you can lose weight by remembering your last meal. The idea is that you can “Think” yourself thin by thinking of your last meal. How it works I am not sure… I got bored. The words “Scientists” and “are to be believed” in the same line/story/universe generally make me realise that some ridiculous study which was decided over a cup of cocoa and a nice Rich Tea biscuit is about to invade my brain.
But then, I thought “Hey, lets give this a go. I am full of shit, so am perfect scientist material!”. So I spent a few days that every meal, I thought about the one before. Every meal was a bucket of KFC chicken. Only 8 pieces, 4 sides of fries and a side of beans, because I didn’t want to appear greedy in my experiment.
Guess what.
I weigh a lot more then I did before my experiment started.
Reverse psychology got off of it’s chair and kicked me where it hurts. Then, with a smug look, it handed me more chicken and sat back down. Yes, the more I thought about my tasty KFC meal, the hungrier I got. The hungrier I got, the more I ate…and so on.
But I was not to be outdone. There was more studying that needed doing. Take it to a level of everyday occurrences. See if I can change the world. “Where to start?” I thought.
Porn. Obviously.
Watching constantly for 4 days, it didn’t get any bigger (well, not permanently). Instead, I got worn out from all the “viewing”, and got the munchies. I ate more chicken.
“Dammit” I thought. “I have to turn this around to prove it can work!” and used the bar against the wall to help me get up from eating too much chicken. I went over to the DVD player and put a disk in.
So I watched old games of football where England had actually won a game (it was a very old betamax video I had transferred to DVD) and thought hard. Could I actually change it and make them make us proud?
It seems that the overpaid primadonna’s can’t change for the better. They just get worse. And worse. Aaaaand worse. Can you spot what went wrong? Yup, in my major disappointment at the national team being a huge national failure, I went out and got me some chicken. Comfort eating.
Using the pulley system, I managed to get on to my now aching legs, breaking under the strain of the weight I had put on.
I waddled off to see my wife to tell her of my “scientific study”, and over a cup of tea and a pack of Rich Tea biscuits, my wife told me that apart from being now seriously overweight, I am also now addicted to the family sized box of KFC. I needed to fight my addiction. So I thought long and hard about that box of KFC. About the grease that collected at the bottom of the box. At how I could see my face in my hands through the shine from the grease.
I had never been so hungry. So I went and ordered some chicken to be delivered. I can no longer drive my car. Actually, I can’t even get out of bed. I use a novelty keyboard to type on. The buttons are 5 times bigger then a normal keyboard because my fingers are all chubby now. I sound like Jabba the Hut when I talk, and think I have the same waistline size.
So summing up the whole “Think about it and lose weight”, all I can say is that in my professional opinion as a “Scientist”, you guys suck.
If you can get past the first paragraph, the story is HERE. Good luck.
wheelturninghamsterdead.com 