I have an idea which has probably been thought up many times before, but I am claiming it based on me wanting to.
Let me set the scene.
It is Sunday, and we take a nice leisurely drive out to do a few things. I got to drive along urban roads, motorway’s and dual carriageways. The windows of the car were open. The music was at a respectable level of “How loud can I put this on for before it distorts to all hell”. This was of course while on the motorway, and being the good citizen I am, I turned it down when in built up areas.
It sounds perfect.
But as I said, it is Sunday.
The idiots are out. And holy hell they are EVERYWHERE.
Crawling along the middle lane of the A23 in what I can only describe as “reverse gear” was some annoyingly blue car. Someone who had absolutely no idea that the inside lane is not actually the hard shoulder. You can in fact drive on the inside lane, and it will not be frowned upon.
So I overtook on the outside lane. There was nothing close to me and it was safe to pull out. I stayed in the lane to overtake another car.
Up comes the car not only tested by dummies, but is also on occasion sold to them. Hello Mr Volvo driver.
Mr Volvo Driver thought we were married. Well, I am assuming so because the only person that gets that close to me is my wife. Apparently, if you drive so close to someones rear, it is universal language for “Excuse me dear boy, would you mind awfully, I would love to come past you a little quicker!”. So I gently put my arm outside of the car window and made the universal language for “Of course you can, please come a little closer. It is the best way for you to kill myself, my wife and my unborn child while we do 70mph along the road!” This is done by cupping your hand as if you have a hand full of coffee beans and you are giving them a little shake.
Moving ahead several miles, we enter “Urban Area”. Where you get roundabouts. With pretty white lines on the road. And if you look at the signs, and the pretty white lines, you can negotiate the roundabout with no real knowledge of the roundabout at all.
Unless you drive one of those “Am I a car, a van or a caravan? I don’t know, I moulded in to one” contraptions. Which you pick a lane, and just as you get to the traffic lights, you change your mind. And then, as you get to the next set, you change your mind again. And you are STILL in the wrong friggin lane! So Mr CaraVanaCaravan driver just goes where the hell he wants. If you are in the wrong lane, and cant get over, try this one…go around the roundabout again. It will add 20 seconds to your journey and will save the lives and insurance of others.
Something needs to be done. People like this are a danger to our sanity. The best way? The “Sunday only” driving licence.
I believe if we let them ONLY drive on a Sunday we will be safer on the roads. Except that all the things above happened on a Sunday. So, they can only drive on a Sunday between 4:43am and 4:49am. This covers people coming out of clubs not being run over by them as they will be home, and not late enough that people will actually be on the roads.
Oh, and they have to drive this:
And wear one of these:
I am sure you will agree that my butt looks awfully fetching in the mirror. Please ignore the lack of “bulge” at the front there…it was very cold in that room.
I should mention that I am pretty sure the Volvo driver had one on already.
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