People are all too often berated for doing something completely normal (to them) 5and then to the rest of the world, it seems a little weird.
Take for example this tale of woe. Of wee. Of “woohooooo!”. But it ended in an “ooohhh….”.
It could happen to anyone. Even you! Well, if “you” are a man. If you are a woman and can pull this off, then you need to realise you are indeed a man. Or confused. Or there is a special word for you. You know the one? Yeah? Hum….aphrodite? It might be Aphrodite. Of course, it might not. But who are we to question something that has absolutely no bearing at all on this post?
Where was I? Oh yeah.
So there I was. Walking in the park. A sunny beautiful day. And then I saw her. I only knew her by her nickname which was “park bench”. I often wondered what her real name was. I had an idea that it was “Doris”, but part of me knew that it would not be such a lavish name. I think “Doris” was a name of a friend as she wore a label that said “In memory of Doris”. Who was this Doris? What happened to her to require such a label to be worn on “benchy”? Would we ever know? Hell, do we even care?
Park Bench was an angel. And I knew she was interested in me. I knew this because she stalked me in that park. Every single time I went to that park, she was there. In the same place. Staring at me.
I would often go and sit on Park Bench. We would talk for hours about many different subjects. Well, I say “we” would talk. Benchy was not one for the talking. Actually, she never really replied back. Just creaked once in a while. I just figured that she loved to hear my voice and listen to all the wonderful things I would say.
Then it happened. One day, I was walking towards Park Bench, and a dog came running past me, making me lose balance. I stumbled. My trousers fell down. I realised I had “gone commando”, and I was exposed.
Stumbling. Tripping. Panicking.
I fell on Park Bench.
And then it happened. Realising I was in heaven, something grew. I became stuck. It wouldnt go down. I thought about as many things as I could which would normally resolve this “issue”. I thought about Thomas the Tank Engine. I though about Margaret Thatcher in a bikini contest with the Queen. I even thought about why today of all days these things were working for me.
It just got worse. People stopped and stared. Laughing at me, pointing at me, disgusted at me.
They had to cut me free as I couldn’t get over my happiness at my encounter with Park Bench.
OK, so you are thinking that this didn’t happen. Sadly…it did. OK, so not to me because car engines are more my thing when it comes to getting jiggy with it.
Did I say car engines? I meant my wife. Sorry, a bit of a typo there.
Aaaanyway. A man in Hong Kong did indeed try to hump a park bench. Actually, I say try, he succeeded I guess. The evidence? Him, a park bench and his love truncheon stuck on one of the holes. Indeed.
So the story mentions, they actually removed some of his blood in an attempt to “reduce the swelling”. They also say it took 4 hours to cut him free.
From a park bench??? 4 HOURS??? They were English workmen I guess. Stopping for regular breaks to enjoy a tasty cup of tea. But you have to give him kudos on the fact that for over 4 hours, he was still “stiff as a brush”. You would think that with that many people staring, playing with him and the loss of blood from the body that maybe…just maybe…the best way to solve this was to “relieve him”.
Surely that would fix it. You pull curtains around the bench, put on some Barry White and tell him to just get involved with himself for 10 minutes (or however long it takes. Some of us can get it sorted in 28 seconds…apparently. Not that it has ever been timed. *cough* And that would be it. He would be free to propose to the bench and go on his merry way.
wheelturninghamsterdead.com 