Every so often someone comes along with an idea that makes something that is ordinarily bad seem that little bit easier. While still being bad.
An example of this is that watching the pathetic excuse for what is called “The England Football Team” was made better by the inclusion of pressing the change channel button on the pointer thing which makes the picture change while they were playing. Instead of watching a bunch of overpaid moaners running about the pitch, I watched Teletubbies. I enjoyed it more, and I even learnt something. Even if that something was that it is OK to be a man and carry a handbag. Of course, when I say “man”, I mean “purple looking thing with an Ariel sticking out of his head and a TV on his stomach…but absolutely NO way of getting the Internet on that screen, nor a slot for inserting DVD’s. Well, none that were visible, and maybe we just shouldn’t go there. And instead of having a solid name like Sy, he has a name like Tinky Winky. And I don’t want you all thinking of the words Tinky Winky and Sy in the same sentence in future OK?
But let’s look a little deeper in life. Let’s talk about being burgled. In 8 months, my house was burgled twice.
I was a touch annoyed.
Well, maybe “annoyed” is not the right word, and “wanted a hammer, a blunt pencil, a noose made out of spaghetti and the person or persons who burgled me”. Add in the words “empty room, camcorder, lots of their blood was spilt and most viewed clip on YouTube”, and I think you are closer to where I was. It was no fun. Why was there no fun. It was a horrid experience that was lacking that “Yeah, but it was a giggle in the end” aspect. Although I do now have a kick arse security system. I call it Jeff. Jeff is 7ft tall and beats to a pulp anyone who tries to get in to the back garden. Lets just say I go to the shops to buy milk these days as there is a shortage of milkmen in the area now. And people have stopped sending me bills in the post!
But what if Mr Burglar was to make it more fun? Rather then smash and grab, he stuck around and beat me with a sausage, or maybe rubbed spices on to my naked sleeping body? (yes, this really happened. You can read about it HERE.)
I know what you are thinking. “What kind of sausage?”.
Well let’s look at the sausagey possibilities that could be used in the heinous attack. (Am I really about to open google and type in “different kinds of sausages”??? What has this site come to!)
Blood Sausage – The mess this is going to leave is going to be horrendous. It would end up like a murder scene. The police would walk in and the report would say “There was bloodsausage everywhere” and the newspapers would run headlines like “Man beaten with bloodsausage in bungled burglary”. Therefore this sausage is not suitable.
Wiener/Frankfurter – Too soft. There is nothing worse then aiming your sausage at someone and giving it a damn good shake and it just falls apart half way through your first stroke because it is not firm enough. (You have a dirty mind. Stop it.)
Chorizo – After the burglary, the burglars leave the house and one says to the other “Yeah, you see how I beat him with me Chorizo. That’ll teach ‘im”. This is going to make them sound like a complete idiot, and therefore is unlikely to take off in the “tools useful to give a good sausage pounding”. (No. Really. Get your mind out of the gutter. This is serious.)
Therefore, I am dedicating the good old “British Banger”. It is a tradition in good old Blighty. Now, as the story I linked to earlier mentions:
The farmworkers told deputies the suspect woke them Saturday morning by rubbing spices on one of them and smacking the other with an 8-inch sausage.
According to all my ex girlfriends etc, the average British Banger is not 8 inches long, but I am sure the burglar can get creative. Maybe tie 2 together or something.
As for the spices, I think a sprinkling of “Rosemary and Olive” will do just fine and I will end this here as this post has had more then enough “spice” to it.
wheelturninghamsterdead.com 