Before I get on with today’s random verbal spillage put in to some kind of order and posted on the site in the name of trying to be funny, I shall say thank you to those who de-lurked and commented in the last post. Between those telling me I am gorgeous, cute, randy and those that turned up at my house with a dozen red roses (all with the heads cut off. What was that all about?) it was a much fun post, and great to communicate with those of you who commented for the first time along with those of you mad people who comment often. I will do it again next time I can’t think of any original content to post and have a damn good chat with you all. Next time I will put out some nibbles as I know how many of you are coming out to play!
So talking about nibbles, lets keep with stomachs and let’s talk about vomit. Big white balls of whale vomity goodness.
I learnt something today. I learnt that wearing a pair of trousers that are a little tighter due to the being a fat git, the idea of sitting down in a jumping fashion without the rearranging of the said trouser department can reeeeeeeally sting and take the breath right out of your body. But apart from that, I learnt that people spray vomit on themselves and other people go “ohhh you smell divine”. You may or may not (but probably do) know this but whale vomit is used to make perfume. Actually, sperm whale vomit. Not sure if that makes a difference? “Smear yourself in sperm and smell attractive to the opposite sex” is not something I would ever have thought I would be writing.
It is just typical. Had I known this already when I was at Sea-world and while teasing a whale, it lost it’s lunch all over me leaving me covered in a whole manor of things ranging from semi chewed fish to the arm of one of the helpers, I wouldn’t have cleaned myself. Instead, I would have gone on a sexual rampage with my new found spare arm, safe in the knowledge that I am a sexual wildebeest to the ladies due to my pungent whale vomit smell.
So what do they do? Have farms of whales and they feed them slightly dodgy food and a lot of alcohol to make them hurl, and then rather than flush the giant whale toilet, they scoop it out, stick it in to a bottle and put the words “Fragrance by David and Victoria Beckham” on it? Of course, this all makes sense. The fragrances are labelled under “DVB” which obviously doesn’t stand for David and Victoria Beckham, but actually stands for Disgusting Vomit Bottle. (actually, the fact that their initials are VD should really be a sign to the world. Hell, I know that every time I see them on the TV or in a newspaper it makes me itch).
Well, if they can do it and make money, in for a penny in for a pound I guess.
I am proud to introduce the new fragrance designed and manufactured by The Wheel is Turning but the Hamster is Dead:
You can scoff. I hear you all saying “That will never sell” and “He called it PUKE?!?!”.
Yeah well…let me take you back to the 5th paragraph. To the words that made no sense whatsoever of “The Fragrance by David and Victoria Beckham”. And if anyone admits to wearing it…well…I can’t actually do anything, but I will be very upset and glad I cannot smell you. And you are making me itch.
Prices start at 1 out of date McDonalds meal for the 200ml bottle. Batches are made on completion of eating.
wheelturninghamsterdead.com 