First we were going to end up tearing a hole in the universe and all die due to the particle accelerator being turned on, but now it is a lot worse. The particle accelerator was nothing compared to the carnage coming our way.
According to several nutjobs informed people around the world, the Galactic Federation of Light are due to arrive in the skies of our planet on October 14th…or tomorrow to the rest of us. And what are they going to do? Cuddle us to death.
No really. They are coming to spread their love. But don’t trust them. As a randy teenager, I did my very best to “spread my love” as often as I could to as many unsuspecting teenage girls not ready to understand that I just didn’t really love them like I said, and then later on in life in clubs around town when I was a little more then a lot drunk. But that pales in comparison to the arrival of the cosmic teddy bears.
OK, so I dont have any confirmation that they are indeed teddybears, but if something is going to come spread the cuddle of doom, it surely has to be a teddy. Or as I should maybe put it, “It better not be elvis”. Although I guess the burger companies would welcome the profit boost from his return?
But have no fear my friends. I have assembled an army of bitter adults who had their teddy leave them years ago to go backpacking across the antarctic (well, that is where my mum told me mine went when Mr Funkles went missing one day while I was at school, aged 14) and now have an inbuilt hatred towards them. Together we will defeat them. I will be watching the skies all night tonight for you to keep you safe. Well, I am working the night shift at work and will be watching TV, but rest assured that if something does indeed happen, I sure as hell wont notice as I will be napping as the pesky cuddly bear creeps up and tries to give me his love.
I dont want to be “loved” by a teddy. Unless it is in the shape of Jessica Rabbit. I mean, if you are going to go…go happy!
Hey, you might think I am joking, but THIS website told me. And the Interwebthingie doesn’t lie!
wheelturninghamsterdead.com 