Order the man a raised coffin.

Of all of the reasons in life that a woman can use to turn a man down for a night of hot passion, the “I might kill you” line has to be the best.

An 82-year-old Italian man who took a Viagra pill scared his wife so much she called the police.

Giovanni di Stefano, from Palermo, was so excited his wife thought he would have a heart attack and dialled 999.

Terrified wife Carla, 69, told police: “He is 82-years-old and so I thought so much love could have lethal consequences.”

Just how much “love” was this woman going to give him?  Actually, what was she going to “love” him with?  A bat?  A knife?  A tender kiss on the neck as she rams high explosives in to his behind, then lights the fuse and zimmer frames the hell outta dodge leaving him as a pile of chunky kibbles…with an erection?

In my 33 years on this little globe we call home, I have heard many many excuses.  Most of them seemed to be aimed in my general direction just after I say “Sooo…wanna sleep with me?”.  Lines of “If you were the last man, and I was the last female…you know…go away from me you grubby little man or I will call the police” were often stabbed in my heart.  I used to practice my chat up lines in my bedroom.  I would line up all my teddy bears and over a cup of imaginary tea I would use my best lines.  I would ask Barbie (look, don’t ask why I had a barbie…I am in touch with my feminine side OK?) if she fancied coming back to my place for a little jiggy jiggy.  Her cold lifeless eyes would often look at me with a cold emptiness.  Then she would say “Ken is a much better lover then you!” and that was it.  Actually, the only one that ever accepted my proposal was my girl gremlin toy.  She had a pull string and after asking her if she fancied “eating after midnight”, she would say “Yuuum yuuuuum”.  I assumed that meant yes as they both start with a Y.

But when it comes to spurning my ongoing quest to get me some good loving, my wife is the best at this.  She has excuses coming out of her ears.  Actually, once the excuse was that she had liquid coming out of her ears.  The only reason we have a child is because I persisted so much that she lost her voice…so when she couldn’t answer, I pounced. 

Of course, my wife will disagree with me on that.  She will say “Shut up you whinging git.”  And sadly, she will be right.

That is not to say I haven’t offered her the female version of Viagra.  “Alcohol” I believe they call it.  It worked wonders in my younger years.  These days I find the only thing that stays hard is my ability to stay awake when I partake in this wonder drug.