Rant rant rant. You know, I tried to make this funny…wow did I ever fail!!
Well, it is that time of the year again. Christmas. A time of peace on earth, and of being kind to your fellow humans. A time of no stress and happy thoughts.
The start of Christmas in my household was as follows:
Various light bulbs died in the house. They weren’t asked to, they just did.
We bought a frozen turkey this year to save costs. It needs 48 hours to defrost. I got it out of the freezer this morning at 10am. Bugger.
A good start! And then….
Because I am a really lazy git who couldn’t be bothered to go out to buy stuff genius, I did all my shopping online. Except that I kind of forgot a couple of important things. Naturally, I remembered this at about 3am this morning while trying to get to sleep while thinking how sexily awesome I am to have everything done already. So on Christmas Eve, your intrepid site writer got in his car and went to the local town center.
Holy hell. Peace on earth and goodwill to all humans??? I think not. It seems that if you have a pram (which where I am, most people do because the average mother is about 12 and shouting at their kids in an accent which..well..yeah it is English, but not as you know it.), it is your god given right to break my ankles when standing in a queue by jamming the damn thing constantly in to the back of my legs because naturally, that makes the queue go quicker and doesn’t make me want to empty a box of icing sugar on your head and then throw eggs at you. Or maybe you are standing behind a till on Christmas Eve filling the shoppers with Christmas spirit by being the genuinely most miserable person known to man.
Hmmm…this post is becoming a bit of a rant!
It was at this point, I reached in to my pocket, got out my iPod, put the earphones in my ears and put some of the heaviest music I have on. It was supposed to calm me down. Dammit. Wrong again.
But being Christmas, I did my bit by buying a copy of The Big Issue from the homeless man on the corner. It costs £1. Oh, except that he said he wants a meal, so can I give him £3.
His psoriasis was sexy so I gave him £3, shook his hand, wondered what was now attached to my hand and went off to buy some acid to clean my now infected hand.
Escaping town with my wares, I head off in to the big Christmas queues on the road. Again, being Christmas, you make an effort for the car that is trying to go from the left lane to the right who has indicated for ages. Except that you don’t. You get as close to the car in front of you so no one can get in. How dare that car want to cross lanes in to your lane so he can continue his journey! Quick…beep at him for trying to change lanes and give him the V sign until he threatens to come and beat your head in with a Christmas card! (I had nothing else to hand…)
And then I made it home. To wrap presents.
I am the kind of man that loves to wrap presents. Except replace “loves to” with “is painfully crap at even trying to”. I cut my gum in 3 places trying to bite the sellotape. This is because I didn’t use the scissors to cut it. And why not? Because I am an idiot!
Screw this, the only Christmas Spirit I am having is a whisky and lots of beer. Bah Humbug.
If you are of the celebrating Christmas kind, Merry Christmas!
If you don’t celebrate Christmas, Happy Holidays!
If you are one of the unlucky (or lucky depending on how you look at it) colleagues from work or if indeed you are someone at work who I don’t know, merry Christmas lads and lasses.
If you just don’t care for it at all, good for you!
Either way, have a great time and I will be back in 2009 (or 2008 if I get the urge)…if my liver holds out that long from the alcohol and turkey abuse…or I don’t get arrested for trying to hurt someone!
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