Just like a bad panto line, when it comes to Christmas, “It’s behind you!”

Well, as my wife seems to say to me a lot;  “Is that it?  All that build up and now I don’t even feel like it even happened!”.  Yes, Christmas (for me) is now a blurred whisky and beer soaked memory.

Of course, it is good that it is over after the fundamental errors I made in the build up to the “big day”.  This included not getting the turkey out in time to defrost so “Speed defrosted” it by getting all my wife’s female friends to come over and talk to it.  All the hot air seemed to do the trick nicely.  But my biggest mistake seemed to be my wife saying “While you are out, can you get some Christmas wrapping paper?”.  Except that I wasn’t really listening because I am a man.  So I got this:

Yup.  Instead of wrapping paper, I bought Christmas crapping paper…which apparently is great for wiping your arse, but not so good for wrapping a present.  I don’t know why though…it was 2 ply!    And if my present to my wife was the gift of going to the toilet on a very regular basis…which it was as I cooked dinner…I don’t really see what the problem was!  But either way, I screwed up.

But of course, the one thing I manage to do every single year is get the wrapping paper etc, and then hide in a room ready to wrap my presents which is pretty much always followed by the immortal words “Honey…have we run out of sellotape?” which this year was followed by “I told you to get some when I asked you to get the wrapping paper and you bought the damn toilet roll instead!”

Dammit.  Brown parcel tape and toilet roll it is then.

Which brings me on to an issue I have with Christmas Crackers… And I don’t mean the pretty girls wearing the ultra short Mrs Santa outfits which I am not allowed to stare at when I am with my wife.  Well, ever…obviously. *cough*

Why do Christmas crackers, no matter what brand or cost, ALWAYS have one of the gifts of a mini sellotape.  Is this because just like the bad jokes you get in them, someone is trying to wind you up? 

“Yes, I knew you forgot the sellotape, so just to tease you, here is some sellotape.”  Which is about as useful as clamping crocodile clips to your testicles and speaking with a Swedish accent.  Yeah in theory it sounds good…but where is it going to get you really?  Exactly.

Well, that is me for 2008.  I hope you all enjoyed your Christmas/Holiday/Still working as your country doesn’t celebrate, and I will be back in 2009.