I have read tonight about two individuals that were admitted to hospital with bizarre objects inserted where the sun doesn’t shine. And I don’t mean in my heart where the clouds overpower me every day. God I feel so sad and lonely. Now, where was I… ohhh yeah…
Now I know this is nothing new, and has happened many times around the world and has appeared in many different news stories. Oh, and before you label me a perv, I wasn’t looking for this or for other ways of removing large objects from those places either…you know…before you start a hate campaign in the comments section. Actually, I was looking at new ways of cooking potatoes, yes, that’s it…new ways of cooking potatoes…and managed to read about a vicar who “slipped and fell” on a potato and it inserted itself in to his behind.
Yeah sure it did Mr Vicar. His actual explanation, which in no way sounds like he may be making it up was:
The clergyman told stunned casualty nurses he fell backwards on to his kitchen table while hanging curtains.
Hmmm. Where is your God now Mr Vicar? He fell backwards on to his kitchen table eh? To a table which contained an open pot of KY jelly and some inviting potatoes and obviously a slip and slide mat. And at no point did he think of clenching? And why on earth was he hanging his curtains while nude? The last time I did that, I ended up in court being sued for scaring my neighbour who was worried that even though it was the middle of summer and very warm, I was doing things with fish bait.
I also read about a Romanian woman who walked (well, when I say walked, I am assuming she limped with a grimace on her face) in to a hospital with a large can of hairspray lodged in a place which wasn’t her ear. Hairspray? What was wrong with a can of WD-40 instead? It’s a smaller can and stops the embarrassing squeaking which girls do and blame on us guys. She also declined to say how it got lodged in there, but I believe she already hung her curtains the week before, so it wasn’t that.
So why do people insist on accidentally falling on a potato and a can of hairspray? Surely inserting something that large in to something that small is comparable to having sex with a rainbow. Yeah, it seems like a good idea, but is there really any gold at the end of it? The answer is a blindingly obvious NO my friends. Unless of course, you sell your story to the newspapers.
I thought long and hard (just like a can of hairspray!) about doing some research here…you know, coz I get told often enough that I talk out of my arse, but I realised that we have no hairspray in the house and only a few potatoes left, which my wife tells me are not for mashing and we are having with dinner tomorrow. So there went my research before it began. Luckily. Because I was starting to sweat just thinking about it.
But for those of you that are thinking of inserting a copy of The Sunday Newspaper and all it’s supplements in there, just remember to have your story sorted first. It is less embarrassing if you have a better reason than “Oh, I slipped and fell while playing scrabble with the family dog. If you can retrieve the dog while you are there…”.
News stories and photos are HERE and HERE. Sadly, the potato one just shows a photo of a potato, and not an x-ray. I would say “enjoy!” but yeah…
wheelturninghamsterdead.com 