I am thinking of changing the name of the site to “The wheel may be turning, but someone stuck something foreign in their body”. Or something like that. I hadn’t really given much thought to it. But it just seems that most of the recent posts have been regarding people inserting foreign objects in to their bodies. And I don’t mean in the way that my wife is South African and I am English so during the act of…, I mean in the case of the vicar accidentally sitting on the potato that I mentioned a few posts back.
And here we go again.
Except this time the offending article is a fish. And a penis. And when I say one went in to the other, I don’t mean it in the way that someone tried creating their own puffer fish out of a boned cod. I mean it in the…oh hell, you know what I mean.
Picture the scene:
You decide it is time to clean out the fish tank, so naturally you do it naked. And then you think “I should probably hold the fish in my hand rather than put it in a bowl or other such object while I clean”. And then you add on “and I need to take a pee, so I will wander to the toilet and do just that. With the fish in my hand.”
And then, while enjoying that pee, the fish slips from your hand and swims north for the winter.
Of course it did. I mean, the fish that was 2cm long and 1.5cm wide had obviously just finished it’s commando course and was feeling ready for the big adventure.
So lets look at this objectively. See, I don’t want to maybe get accused of calling him a liar here, but I have a sneaking suspicion that he SHOVED THE FISH UP HIS GODDAMN URETHRA. Sorry, I think I accidentally wrote that in bold and in capitals.
Bear with me while I cross my legs.
OK. 1.5cm WIDE and it went swimming in obviously the hiding place of the most well endowed man in the world. The last time I checked (and hey, you know…us blokes look at things like that), for a fish to enter that special place and swim north…well…what was he doing? Stretching exercises?
Oh, and it swam north all the way to his bladder. I hear it set up a bait shop ready for the rigid ureteroscope which was (hopefully violently) inserted with a set of forceps down the end of the little dude.
Legs crossed, so bear with me while I cup myself and uncontrollably let out a tear or two for our fallen comrade.
Look. I just don’t get it. Why a fish? Why? WHY?!! Why did he think it was a good idea to insert it down there? I am no prude. You know? I have tried my fair share of things in life. I once used a whisk. Actually, I just put the handle down there and then told my wife I want to “spice things up a little” to which she replied about not needing me to “beat her egg”.
But I always made sure that I used inanimate objects whenever I did that. I would never use a fish for anything other than hitting a glass panel and going “heeeey fishyfishy fishy!” or maybe getting the frying pan out and having a nice sauce with it. But I am just never going to insert one in to my special place.
I know you want to read more about it, so go HERE. Well, it could be worse I guess. It could be a giant pink bunny.
wheelturninghamsterdead.com 