In the best piece of research since I wondered if I could eat a hollowed out Cumberland sausage stuffed with dog crap, the good old NHS has made my life incredibly exciting by advising people who don’t get time to work out to just have lots of sex.
The say, and I quote (because quoting is fun as it makes the post longer without me having to type more words and make stuff up)
Endorphins released during orgasm stimulate immune system cells, which also helps target illnesses like cancer, as well as wrinkles, it states.
One thing I really don’t understand is the whole saving wildlife thing though. While having sex you release dolphins? Where are these dolphins? And why isn’t there a TV ad asking me for £2 a month?
I have a slight issue with this. Well, mainly with the stops wrinkles bit anyway.
When that “moment” comes, I generally pull a face like a guy gurning with a locked jaw trying to smoke a chicken. My face is so wrinkled and my eyes look so dead that once my wife thought I had died of old age after taking longer than the usual 18 seconds it normally takes me. I didn’t look any better for it, and I still don’t have the complexion of a 21 year old…and considering I was single for a few years, you would think…well…yeah you get the idea.
Of course, it wouldn’t be right if this story wasn’t to come along and then some arsehat takes a leak on my fire with the quote:
“Yes, there is evidence that sex has benefits for mental wellbeing, but to say there is a link with reduced risk of heart disease and cancer is taking the argument too far.”
This was said by a sexual health expert.
A what? A sexual health expert? What is that? Someone who spends all day talking about it and never getting it? Someone who asks you to lay on the couch and talk about things while they sit behind you taking notes and almost blinding themselves while pulling a face like a guy gurning with a locked jaw tryi….well you know.
And what kind of training do you need? Does the test have multiple choice questions like
Q) What is an erection?
1) Something I get looking at the gardening section of my catalogue 2) The thing my Mummy tells me not to play with and I am naughty 3) I will vote conservative 4) The Eiffel Tower
I think I may well change from my chosen career path and become one of these “experts”. It sounds fun to talk about sex all day rather then pester my wife for some only to be told “Sweetie…if you were the last man on earth, and I kind of wish you were, I would probably shoot you in the back.”
My biggest concern in the news story is
“Sex uses every muscle group, gets the heart and lungs working hard, and burns about 300 calories an hour.”
An hour? An entire bloody hour??? What are they trying to do…kill me? I cant even concentrate on doughnuts for an hour, let alone keep up the horizontal jogging.
Go on. Have a read yourself. You know you want to. You can read about the dolphins and everything. Oh, and incase you dont know what gurning is…go here.
wheelturninghamsterdead.com 