It started with a squeak.
A door that when we closed, managed to wake up the entire neighbourhood. I wouldn’t say it was loud, because that would assume that I could hear it. No, it was one of those that had such a high pitched noise that all the dogs in the neighbourhood started a combined howling at the moon and then went on the hunt for the blood of the mortals for use in some weird doggy black magic ritual.
So being Mr Lets-Do-DIY!, I went to the shop and bought the marvel that is WD-40.
In buying it, I created a monster.
In years gone by, the bottles were nice and small and were still full of more than you will ever need. After hunting around the shop, the only size bottle I could find was one that I needed to get a trailer for my car to drag the damn thing home. It’s huge. In the unlikely even that I ever use it all, I am going to move all my belongings in to it and make it a games and media room. I mean it. The thing is enormous. The day after I bought it, I had a letter from the local council saying they couldn’t see any planning permission for it.
But that would not stop me. So armed with it now fitted as a backpack, I attached a fire hose to it to help concentrate the spray and tackled the small squeaky hinge.
With a quarter second burst of *pssst*, the hinge was fixed.
What the hell am I going to do with the additional 200993000 litres attached to my back giving me a hump like the uglier cousin of Quasimodo?
Well, I have been experimenting.
After a big plate of baked beans for dinner, I have found that I too can be a touch squeaky. Contrary to the notes on the packaging, it actually can’t stop the noise. It does however create a bit of an itchy patch that requires attention.
A cat meows. Nothing wrong with that. But at 3am when you are woken up by your cat shouting out to it’s 2 kiddies who are asleep on my bed who then jump up going “meowmeowmeowmeow” running to Mum to find out just what dead animal she has bought in this time…well..it gets a touch annoying. So armed with my backpack of WD-40 and looking like a naked (but incredibly good looking) Ghostbuster, I am aiming my hose (the fire one) at the cat’s and spraying the life out of them with squeaky-stopping-WD-40-goodness. It didn’t work as planned. They got louder. And annoyed. And then turned up with the dogs ready for the blood ritual. My blood.
By now I was starting to feel a little bit dejected by the promises made on the can. But I persevered because I just had nothing better to do with my time than futile exercises.
Ever have that weird feeling every so often when you are walking like there is something loose in your head and you hear a clicking noise? (Please say yes, it will save me going for tests.) Well, it was starting to annoy me. So I sprayed the WD-40 in my ears. I will just say “Don’t try this at home”. Although in my defence, it worked. I cant hear anything at all anymore.
So is there anything this is actually good for?
Well actually…yes. I didn’t realise at first how spraying it in my ears was actually the way forward.
I can no longer hear the cat meow in the middle of the night.
I can no longer hear squeaky hinges on doors.
My own “personal squeaks” are now only known by the fact my nose burns and the cat leaves the room.
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