It’s unlikely that you are thinking “So. Why has Sy put up a photo of a raccoon giving it large to a basset hound?” but on the off chance that you are, it is because I was searching Google Images for an image for this post, and well, I found it.
So now I have kind of set up the post, lets move on with it. (Can you feel the excitement and anticipation of something special building? Nope, me neither. And with very good reason I fear.)
It’s always the same. For millions of us men around the world, we go out on a drunken weekend with the lads, we get as drunk as possible and then we molest a raccoon. Or is that just me and the odd Russian dude here and there?
Yes some 44 year old Russian bloke did just that. Oh, but strangely the raccoon wasn’t having any of it…which is strange being that I once read in the letters section of Readers Raccoons (it’s a top shelf publication) that the raccoon is the animal worlds “give it away no questions asked” party.
The raccoon whose real name is Heff and is married with 3 kids was quoted as saying:
“Ah man, you know…humans. What are they all about? Here I am out for a night feed with my mates and some human guy tries to get his end away. And dude…I’m a dude! You would at least think he would lift up my tail and check for the occurrence of any giggleberries before getting involved. So I bit off his ticklestick and made like Flint.”
I dunno. See, I go out and I get drunk and then I go home and wonder why the ceiling is spinning around and the next morning I broken-promise myself that there is more chance of me dressing up as Ronald McDonald than drinking another drink.
But not this dude. He was quoted as saying without a care in the world:
“When I saw the raccoon I thought I’d have some fun”
But the good news in this story is that they couldn’t re-attach it because it seems the raccoon legged it away with his extra inch, and despite countless leaflet campaigns, has not come forward with the part. So he is having one made via plastic surgery.
I hope they use his thumb. Personally I think it would be awesome to have a thumb instead of a penis. I mean honestly, what better way for a woman to know that the bloke is interested than him giving her the thumbs up? And it could bridge the gap between people who have issues with nudity and with those who like to let it all hang out. It all makes sense. Someone would say “Hey, can you help me wrap this present…here, stick your thumb on this.” Down comes the zipper, and Mother has her Christmas present wrapped.
But reading the news story (which you can find HERE, although I pretty much already told you the whole article) has really given me a new perspective on life. I now feel that when I go out and get drunk that my life is missing something. My problem is that the idea of fondling an animal is just not something I see as my idea of fun. So, I am from this day forward carrying a soft apple around with me. If I ever get the urge, I will have a trouser chat with Granny Smith.
Note: yeah I “borrowed” the image from Google Images, so if it is yours and you want it removed, send me a blank signed cheque, proof of ownership of the photo and a pack of Doritos and we will have a chat.
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