I read an interesting a news article (because that’s all I have in life after painting my nipples blue and making penguin noises) that said that a Serbian woman was cured of a deadly heart condition after being struck by lightning.
I am assuming that her “Deadly heart condition” was actually called “Still being alive”. The fact that her heart was still beating, which was putting a real crimper on the whole being dead thing which was in some way preferential? That kind of deviancy would normally be solved by a nice dose of electricity I guess. But surely there are better and a lot easier ways to do it.
According to a statistic that I have in no way just made up, more people cure that horrible ailment of a beating heart by frantically waving the national flag of the honourable country Djibouti at a male squirrel who is in the process of showing the girlie squirrels his impressive array of nuts than they do by being hit by lightning. Plus, squirrels are not limited to a one time one place type event that lightning is, so the chances of enjoying success are greatly increased.
So what’s going on? Did she run about in a lightning storm doing the “Anti-Heart Dance”? This medieval dance is done by picking a particularly feisty electrical storm and then holding hands with 4 of your closest friends and running around in circles shouting “Lightning lightning you’re so weak, you couldn’t even hit me if I dressed like a leak!”.
The most important part of this game is that you have to dress in a full metal bodysuit and not actually as a leak, which kind of messes up the lyrics a bit. I am guessing she didn’t play this game as…well…I just made it up. But y0u know, it sounds fun which is surely the important thing, and in the highly unlikely event that I ever feel the need to stop my heart working, I will see what I can do about getting 4 friends to give it a go with me. Anyone up for it?
Of course, I am sure if I was to read the actual news story rather than making this crap up and spend my spare time watching Spongebob Squarepants cartoons, I would probably find out it is actually about something other than her trying to top herself. But sadlyI am not so sure I care because when is her life going to become more important than watching Spongebob? He lives in a pineapple under the sea you know. How many of you can say you do? Yup.
So there you have it. When in doubt, try sucking on a lightning bolt. It’s the cure to all the ailments you can have in life.
I know secretly you are interested to read the real story about the woman who got hit by lightning, so HERE you are. I am too good to you people. I hope you appreciate it as much as I appreciate this coffee I am about to drink.
wheelturninghamsterdead.com 