About 37 days ago, I came up with this awesome idea to give myself 8 weeks to go from super sloth to get fit enough to run 10K in well under 50 minutes. A feat that to the average runner is almost the bread and butter running. To me, someone who hasn’t run for years…it’s now 18 days away and I have this phrase that keeps going around in my head. It goes “What the hell are you doing you idiot!”.
Honestly…I know it is for charity (it’s not too late to sponsor me you know! The money goes straight to the charity website, not to me…you know…just in case you dont think I am trustworthy) but holy hell I hurt!
I have these stupid moments of “inspiration” in my life quite often. They are full of these awesome ideas. Past failures have included:
The “I should grow my hair long!” idea. Within 8 weeks, I looked like a shaggy dog, I smelt of I don’t know what…yeah OK, washing it might have helped…and got a verbal warning at work because I was suddenly the amorous attention of the police dogs who should have been sniffing for bombs. Instead, I generally lived with one humping my leg and the other ferociously sniffing my crotch.
or…
The “I should decorate the house! All of it!” idea. I didn’t like the look of the house before. Now I spend as much time out of it as I can. Don’t turn on the kettle whatever you do. That will tip the balance of power from keeping it together to burning the whole house down. The wood flooring is damaged from the spurs on my cowboy boots. There is also paint EVERYWHERE. Even the walls and rooms I didn’t paint somehow have paint splashes in them.
So with just those two examples in my mind, just what part of me thought that Mr Fat Dude could train hard enough to A) Lose the weight I need to be able to stop the earth shaking and B) Actually run without changing the center of gravity of the earth?
Exactly.
But nope, I went and did it. I paid £18 and signed up, people have sponsored me (did I mention you still can? Email me! It’s for cancer research. They have gone through the pain, I am going through the pain of training…lets put a little pain on your wallet!) and I have been training 6 days a week for the last 5 weeks.
So what I want to know is this… Why do fit people do this? WHY!? I have aches in places that I don’t even have muscles. My knee is the size of a large onion (I mean one of those that you see in the newspaper next to the proud farmer who fed it steroids for a few months and is now the size of my ego) and being an onion, it is making my eyes water.
I have young idiots in cars driving past beeping the horn on their silly little cars that they think they look good in and then they shout out “fnaar gniihf thrroooff”. Granted, that is just about the level of their intellect, so I cant really expect them to string a load of words together that make sense.
So to try to get fit, or to stay fit, you have to hurt physically, deal with retards in cars and on the street and spray Deep Freeze spray WAY too close to the little guy. I honestly think I froze my left testicle the other day. He went numb for a good while…not that I was constantly playing with him to find out or anything, but he stopped responding when I was talking to him. I considered spraying deep heat on to see if I could defrost the little guy, but realised I was on a hiding to nothing with even thinking the idea.
So if any of you two people left that actually read this little corner of the Internet (the last post got an astounding zero comments. I am one of the readers…who are you other reader?!) are one of those fitness types, email me. Lets talk. I need to call you names and get you to talk me out of any further training.
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