It’s always the same. You are sitting with a girl. She sits on your lap. She wants to cuddle.
You want to watch the TV.
She cries. Becomes needy and attention demanding.
You give her attention, but you have one eye on the TV. You waited all week to watch this, and NOW she gets all needy. It’s like she knew you wanted to and is doing all she can to stop you.
Stroking her head, she finally falls asleep, and you get to watch the TV. Bliss. The silence. Her head rests against you. Sitting there still as not to wake her, you enjoy the show.
Hang on.
What’s that?
Ohhh…that doesn’t feel good. Nope. Oh… Here it comes.
You jump up. It wakes her up…but like you care at his moment.
Diving head first in to the toilet, your knees making a crater mark in the floor during touchdown while your stomach squashes itself together like a very angry man holding a very squishy plum. You lose your lunch, dinner, breakfast and any snack that you ate in the last two weeks.
Actually, I had also just finished a large glass of blackcurrant juice, so it looked like a murder had taken place. And I don’t mean one of those good murders. Yeah, you know the ones.
My daughter, who was laying on me…and who I had caught the bug from…sits on the sofa crying. Well, just for a second. The rest of the time she was showering the room with what she had for lunch…breakfast…dinner…
Damn I hate being sick.
That night, I spent every other hour, almost on the hour, with my hands clinging to the toilet seat. Clinging as if my life depends on it until my knuckles are as white as the driven yellow snow?
Why do we do it? Well, certainly us people with short hair. Do we have a moment in our heads where we suddenly believe that the toilet…that stationary object…is going to get up and walk away from you mid barf? That while making that noise which resembles someone choking a lobster with a toothpick, that the toilet will say “Hey…I take enough of your crap. I don’t want your verbal diarrhea too… That’s it. I’m OUTTA HEEEERE!”?
And what is the mindset for the person with longer hair? Hair that could take the hit if it isn’t held back? It must be hell. A no win situation during your moment of need.
“Do I cling to the toilet to stop it getting away? Or do I hold back my hair and take the hit of throwing up on the floor when the toilet runs away midway through the second bout of intestinal relocation to the good china?”
Meanwhile, back in the other room, my daughter has finished her bout of babyfood removal and is happily sitting there playing with it, unmoved by the whole event. Rubbing it all over the seat, she sits there watching my TV show. I drag myself back up and crawl back to the front room.
So. I better go clean that up then.
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