In the most devastating news I have read since I heard that Pinky and Perky are infact siblings, and not lovers, it has been voted by women wordldwide that Englishmen are the second worst nationality in bed. Yes, in the world, not just in the minds of the Welsh and Scots.
Second? Really? Yes, we are apparently lazy. Just because we prefer it when you do it yourself and we watch the footie on the TV does not make us lazy. I still don’t believe it though. Everyone hates Englishmen, so I am sure it is a big online slur against me.
Personally.
Because I am that good.
I know this because while in bed my wife once woke up and said “Oh God”. Yeah maybe it was just the once. And fine, so she said it in a voice that more resembled “Oh God. I am soooo bored!”. And yes, maybe she said those exact words, but you know…it’s a buyers market and I only bought the first two words.
And when I was younger, I often had girls telling me how I was like a grand slam winning racehorse in bed. I always assumed that was a good thing and my prowess and physical stamina was second to none, but apparently it was because I always finished the race first and was long gone before she had even got started.
According to the worthless poll that makes me want to cry news article,
English lovers came second because they were too lazy, while men from Sweden were branded “too quick” and came third.
So….we are too lazy to even do it, while the Swedes are too quick and came third.
Hang on. They came third? I mean really…how many people were even in the bed! Those crazy Swedes! And if they were too quick, who were the other two in the bed who came first and second? That makes absolutely no sense at…….oooohhhhhh…thiiirrd. As in place. OK. With you.
Of course, let’s not forget the rest of you. These included…
Other findings included that Dutch men were “too rough”, Americans were “too dominating” while Greek men were said to be a bit too soppy.
I am curious. It doesn’t say, but what nationality were a little “too soft”? So then. You Americans are too dominating huh?! Can any of my female readers confirm this? Actually…you know, I honestly don’t care. Or is it that I am too lazy to care? hmmm…
And what about the Russians? Well, according to the news article, they came tenth…
amid accusations they were too hairy for the average woman.
Too hairy? I know a Russian or two. I cant say that any look that “hairy”. So in this poll, did we just find out by accident that Russian women prefer to have sex with bears instead of men?
But before you fellow Brits get all high and mighty on me…
The Scots are too loud and the Welsh are too selfish.
How can you be too loud? I mean, wouldn’t that be more distracting than loud? Shouting out at the top of your voice “Yeah baby! Wooo! I said a….WOOOOO!!!!” really loudly is going to put anyone off really.
I should also let you know that German men came first. This was because they smell. Apparently. Look, don’t have a go at me, it says so in the story which you can read HERE.
wheelturninghamsterdead.com 